High and dry

If my heart breaks again, I will be sad. 

When will I ever ever learn?

I want to drop these feelings growing in me. I am scared the happiness I am having now means a multitude of loneliness for me. 

Maybe I just don't care

Searching you is hard. Why don't I see you? Where could you be? I thought I did, I thought it was you. I thought I could finally have my peace.

I am getting this sad feeling that I will never see you. You say you come in all sorts of sizes, tucked in the darkest corner or laying softly still, unnoticed but important. I don't want to give up on finding you but you you you make it so hard for me to find you. If there were signs or hints you've been dropping, I don't see it.

And I feel like giving up, going back to my old habits. I'm used to being a scrooge anyway...

Full Stretch

I like walking under the stars, I like walking when the sun hasn't come up and the whole world is still sleeping. I may not have the right hiking shoes or a headlamp to save myself from tripping(used my phone's flashlight) but I carried on.

Climbing a mountain is a feat in itself. Climbing three mountains in a day is already way too above my level of expectation. It feels like penance for all the negative energy that came in and got stuck in my life. Plus it seemed to me a challenge I couldn't pass.

My friend, Carol, told me that all the mountaineers with us are real passionate hobbyists and took on the trilogy hike to prepare themselves for a more difficult trail. As for me, the only thing that kept me on is Lakas ng Loob. The moment she said that I seemed to have choked on the water I was drinking generously. haha

I hope this year I will keep on surprising myself. Be less afraid or conscious about things.

Benefit of the doubt

I hate sad and tragic endings. I've been catching up on movies shown this year, and I really pause or not finish the part where I think somebody is going to die. Yes, that's it. I avoid getting overwhelmed. I avoid crying my heart out. I hate endings where people suddenly die and the person who got left behind didn't have the time to say all the words s/he wanted to say. Because I find it pretty unfair.

In reality, we are all just getting by. We are all just being in the moment without care or regard for consequences. If I think too much of the purpose of and meaning in every minute of my life, I would have been carrying so much baggage. I would have loved too much of it, failing to let go for fear of it becoming just a memory or a forgotten thought.

It's not about being ungrateful for each moment, but it is more of my tendency to romanticize things too much. If all my failed relationships had ever taught me anything, it is to not look back when you've decided to walk away. And little did they know, I stretched myself long enough for them to come back. I was always the last one who walked away.

So when people suddenly decide to come back me in my life, what do I do? Do I keep closing the door or allow them to walk in again?

Endings

This year is coming to a close. It went by fast and I am still running around doing the things I need to do.

Nevertheless, I have treasured all my free time to think, to sleep, and to dream. All rooms I reside in are a complete mess. Frankly, I haven't got the chance to be in my favorite aisle of True Value and choose cleaners.

Is it because I am too detail-oriented? I have to care about that last small thing and make them feel included in the grand scheme of things? Or how I felt inmy childhood  with my lack of neighborhood friends and I don't know where to fit myself in?

I still don't know. I am still the third wheel, the outsider who changes the dynamics for best friends. always in the middle.

But do I have to fit in??

Fashionably unhappy

I've read one whole book of Thich Nhat Hanh today and it feels like a whole new awakening. The notion of impermanence has always terrified me and makes me miserable but today I've read it in a whole new light.

Coming back to myself, let the love in. Living in the here and now and living a compassionate life. I've been hating myself for the past five years, never fully taking an effort to assess myself and deal with what has become of me. I used to love myself, free of sorrow, untroubled by worries. I have seen myself grow old and suffocated by the toxicity of myself. I have resorted to alcohol and cigarettes. I dont sleep. I eat little. I've abused myself, being unable to let go of my worries and constantly drowning in hate and despair.

Riding the midnight bus on the way to Sabang, I'm used to this habit of listening to sad songs to feel the ride, but last night when everyone else is asleep, I couldn't choose any song that would fit my brokenness. I am finally feeling peaceful, living in the now, remembering the past with no pain. I love myself now.

Impermanence also means hope. These sad feelings don't last and these negative perceptions would end. 

Walk lightly.

Para Hindi Ka Mawala

       

Sa totoo lang, gusto kita. Palagi kita naiisip. Tingin ko matino ka kausap, kung maguusap talaga tayo ng masinsinan, at walang nangaasar satin. At hindi mo rin ako aasarin.

Parehas lang tayo tahimik, mayabang = may pride. Siguro parehas lang rin tayo nasaktan na kaya hindi na tayo madali sumakay sa mga ganitong kababawan. At parehas lang tayo walang gagawin sa situation na ito.

Ano ba dapat ko gawin para hindi ka mawala sakin?