She smiled. She knew she was dying.

"And who-in this damned universe-who can tell me why I should live for anything but for that which I want? Who can answer that in human sounds that speak for human reason?"

Finishing Ayn Rand's We the Living felt morally revolutionary. Its' liberal context brought the questions I was afraid to ask myself. I am not sure how much of the history in it is true but even if Rand completed this in 1930s, the questions raised should still be applicable today. 

What struck me is the detachment everyone has today living on pretentious things. It is easy to fall on empty material things simply because the age we are living in don't really depend much on life or death. We keep on possessing things and people when we do know that eventually we would leave them behind one day. We are clueless about the things that really matter. We are living in a world of excess and greed. Unfortunately. We are not deprived of anything at all. Only deprived with how long it will take us to get what we want. Is everything simply for vanity? Who will remember us? We would all be forgotten in the end.

I empathize with Kira's passion to live. Here was a girl who simply fought for the will to live, fought for the person she loves. She had something to fight for.

"A moment or an eternity-- did it matter? Life, undefeated, existed and could exist."

And where have I been living in? 

"You loved a woman and she threw your love in your face?"

'We feed the hand that bites us'

I am reading the first few pages of Tom Hodgkinson's How to be Idle, talking about how waking up with an alarm is the cruelest thing in the world. Here I am beside my little sister who is in one of her five-minute power naps that really turn out to be a one hour of snorefest.  

I am totally jealous of my sister in complete slumber because I haven't fully recovered from my battle with insomnia. It has been over a year now and I am past tired. I decided not to confront the enemy and instead learned to live with it. I don't blame my lack of sleep for ruining the course of the day. I go to that long stretch of tossing and turning and wait for myself to fall asleep.

The trouble is my mind is completely fucking me with all the highs & lows and I am resorting to inaction about things I still have to do.

I want to get out of this doom-oriented mess.

Seriously.