High and dry

If my heart breaks again, I will be sad. 

When will I ever ever learn?

I want to drop these feelings growing in me. I am scared the happiness I am having now means a multitude of loneliness for me. 

Maybe I just don't care

Searching you is hard. Why don't I see you? Where could you be? I thought I did, I thought it was you. I thought I could finally have my peace.

I am getting this sad feeling that I will never see you. You say you come in all sorts of sizes, tucked in the darkest corner or laying softly still, unnoticed but important. I don't want to give up on finding you but you you you make it so hard for me to find you. If there were signs or hints you've been dropping, I don't see it.

And I feel like giving up, going back to my old habits. I'm used to being a scrooge anyway...

Full Stretch

I like walking under the stars, I like walking when the sun hasn't come up and the whole world is still sleeping. I may not have the right hiking shoes or a headlamp to save myself from tripping(used my phone's flashlight) but I carried on.

Climbing a mountain is a feat in itself. Climbing three mountains in a day is already way too above my level of expectation. It feels like penance for all the negative energy that came in and got stuck in my life. Plus it seemed to me a challenge I couldn't pass.

My friend, Carol, told me that all the mountaineers with us are real passionate hobbyists and took on the trilogy hike to prepare themselves for a more difficult trail. As for me, the only thing that kept me on is Lakas ng Loob. The moment she said that I seemed to have choked on the water I was drinking generously. haha

I hope this year I will keep on surprising myself. Be less afraid or conscious about things.

Benefit of the doubt

I hate sad and tragic endings. I've been catching up on movies shown this year, and I really pause or not finish the part where I think somebody is going to die. Yes, that's it. I avoid getting overwhelmed. I avoid crying my heart out. I hate endings where people suddenly die and the person who got left behind didn't have the time to say all the words s/he wanted to say. Because I find it pretty unfair.

In reality, we are all just getting by. We are all just being in the moment without care or regard for consequences. If I think too much of the purpose of and meaning in every minute of my life, I would have been carrying so much baggage. I would have loved too much of it, failing to let go for fear of it becoming just a memory or a forgotten thought.

It's not about being ungrateful for each moment, but it is more of my tendency to romanticize things too much. If all my failed relationships had ever taught me anything, it is to not look back when you've decided to walk away. And little did they know, I stretched myself long enough for them to come back. I was always the last one who walked away.

So when people suddenly decide to come back me in my life, what do I do? Do I keep closing the door or allow them to walk in again?