Morphine

10/24/2012 1:30 AM

I am waiting for my flight going home but it feels more like I am on this death sentence waiting for my turn.

All sorts of thoughts run through my head at 1:30 am and what gets me stuck is thinking of you. It is easy to imagine happy thoughts when I miss you deeply and I cling to this comfort like having my favorite breakfast anytime of the day. It always feels warm and toasty. I know it is a bit crazy seeing myself like this because we haven't seen each other for a long time. But I have to be strong and brave of whatever would happen in the future.

So I wait.

Patiently.

Until we both say hello.

25th

October has been very generous. I have been spoiled from all the wonderful gifts I received and keep receiving (I received a gift from the Calubaquibs today and it's already end of the month), as well as being given the time to actually enjoy and celebrate life.

It was really nice and sweet that my friends cooked (Kar got her hands dirty on a salad, noodles, roasted porkloin, chicken pastel), baked (Clara put her magic on revel bars, white macadamia and an ALMOND chocolate cake :D, ate dinner in my current favorite restaurants (mr jones, nolita, the cake club), and got drunk with me. In all modesty, I am thankful that my support system is still intact and that I am slowly, slowly, bringing back myself in control of my life. well not too much in charge because I am open to unexpected circumstances. Lovely, lovely people.

I am also meeting new people (underwater buddies: Kim and Aja), new hobbies, and new experiences (like having your money eaten by an atm machine days before you're about to leave abroad, or staying in a hospital during your birthday week). I realize that maybe, if I have given myself more chances to life and lose fear of almost everything, things would go much smoother. Even if you don't really know what will happen.

While I still miss people in those strange dreams and silences, I am focusing more on loving myself and looking at the grand scheme of things.

September 18's secret spot

Today started out weird.

In fact, I didn't feel like going to work. there were a lot of personal things I want to make time for. One by one, I am slowly giving time for each thing on my to do list. It's funny because considering that I come from South, I should never be feel pressured by time. But I always feel I am running out of it. I get uptight waiting for someone, someone waiting on me, not being on time.

So I made an effort getting a student permit, without my parents knowing yet. I finished early enough to get to makati and walk. Usually the heat in Manila makes it more uneasy to walk.

Then I made my way to LRI design building which was my favorite part of the day because I really enjoyed walking through design shops and art galleries. My lunch was terrific but I couldn't stay longer. Hopefully God will give more chances to stay in my secret spot.

Ending this peaceful day with Hannah+Gabi.

so pull yourself together

In spite of last night's horrifying rain flooding streets, I went home with a sense of calmness and solitude. Not to mention, this was after I passed out in a bathroom after a grill night with friends. I realized that I am having less of my anxiety attacks, more of unusual physical injuries. (Stiff muscles and two fat wounds near my ankles). My days have been peaceful despite the stress in the office because I am learning to purge the noise. 

Even if I still don't have something concrete, what hasn't failed me these days is feeding my soul with wisdom. Books, life stories, art. 

There's so much beauty in these.

Keeping myself busy

Getting myself amused over oil paint, texture, and dirtiness after three weeks of helping out with the team's bulletin board. Nobody knows if mine is good enough to be called ART. 

It doesn't matter. All I want is to keep surprising myself. 

"When I was young I was alone a lot, and art was a place I could escape to. I didn't really know at the time I was escaping but I knew that I enjoyed doing it, and it seemed to make time disappear.
...The more I think about my early experiences that led me to become an artist, the more I think it all has to do with freedom, really. The freedom of not being held back. The freedom of being able to jump into the void and not get hurt. The freedom of being able to enter a place that didn't exist until you stood in front of it. The only catch is that you have to make that place for yourself." - Julian Schnabel

She smiled. She knew she was dying.

"And who-in this damned universe-who can tell me why I should live for anything but for that which I want? Who can answer that in human sounds that speak for human reason?"

Finishing Ayn Rand's We the Living felt morally revolutionary. Its' liberal context brought the questions I was afraid to ask myself. I am not sure how much of the history in it is true but even if Rand completed this in 1930s, the questions raised should still be applicable today. 

What struck me is the detachment everyone has today living on pretentious things. It is easy to fall on empty material things simply because the age we are living in don't really depend much on life or death. We keep on possessing things and people when we do know that eventually we would leave them behind one day. We are clueless about the things that really matter. We are living in a world of excess and greed. Unfortunately. We are not deprived of anything at all. Only deprived with how long it will take us to get what we want. Is everything simply for vanity? Who will remember us? We would all be forgotten in the end.

I empathize with Kira's passion to live. Here was a girl who simply fought for the will to live, fought for the person she loves. She had something to fight for.

"A moment or an eternity-- did it matter? Life, undefeated, existed and could exist."

And where have I been living in? 

"You loved a woman and she threw your love in your face?"

'We feed the hand that bites us'

I am reading the first few pages of Tom Hodgkinson's How to be Idle, talking about how waking up with an alarm is the cruelest thing in the world. Here I am beside my little sister who is in one of her five-minute power naps that really turn out to be a one hour of snorefest.  

I am totally jealous of my sister in complete slumber because I haven't fully recovered from my battle with insomnia. It has been over a year now and I am past tired. I decided not to confront the enemy and instead learned to live with it. I don't blame my lack of sleep for ruining the course of the day. I go to that long stretch of tossing and turning and wait for myself to fall asleep.

The trouble is my mind is completely fucking me with all the highs & lows and I am resorting to inaction about things I still have to do.

I want to get out of this doom-oriented mess.

Seriously.