big bowl of soup

Before take-off (HK-MNL) - May 22, 2013

It has been half of the year and strangely I am getting more and more headaches. But the thing is, I don't really know what I am actually thinking and needing. It's all scattered in my head. I am getting anxious that I am not getting ahead as much as I want to in terms of work and plans to move the team forward. I have plans to spend my time with something more creative but I haven't really thought about it. I want to be able to keep up with the game when I join water hockey. My problem at home is space. space to do my own thing without being disturbed or nagged at. space to sleep soundly. Insomnia is such an understatement since 2011. I am stuck and my mind is getting soupy from racking my head with what I could do to endure/alleviate/solve this. 

Darling, I got you a paperclip.

"Darling, if life is a car journey, and fortune is the weather, then sometimes fortune shines and we can fold down the roof and speed along joyfully. But sometimes fortune blows cold, freezing our progress - and when it does you're always there to overcome the frost of uncertainty and let us see the road ahead. Just llike this ice scraper."

Feelings of escapism

best described by Ivy.

 

Migraine

Korea - January 2013

I don't know why I'm getting migraine these days. The terrible hot Manila weather might have something to do with it. I try to move around today but I'm stuck to the sofa, attempting to read Kurt Vonnegut/Fyodor Dostoevsky or sleep it off. In my attempts to dismiss it, I have slept twice, ate thrice, drank coffee, drank beer but still it doesn't go away. I carry on with my day stumbling upon this song and to my joy, a certain calmness hits me.

seven minutes of heaven

It takes one step to start doing something about the things you want to happen or else those dreams will never ever happen. Last Friday, I found myself cracking in my own nervousness just to find you.

Sincerely

Thank you for the attention but I dont think it's in my best interest right now.

I dont know if this could be the smartest or dumbest thing I would do. I hope I wont have to say this to you. You are nice, sweet, cheerful and a bit crazy. You are a ray of sunshine sneaking in my scattered room of gloom and horrors.

Forgive me for always eating your happy thoughts with hard-edge tactless words. Or my failure to respond to the things you tell me.

If all these gifts and question of when will i see you again and how i am is just your innocent means of getting to know me, it has got to stop. Stop asking me out. Stop inviting me to trips. Stop asking me how I am. I am not even there yet with you.

Its all intense. Your words are over intense. Its scaring me.

I have a lot on my plate right now and I dont even have anything to offer.

I know I'm walking away to a-what-could-have-been.

Im sorry.

You get shot down while you try to stand up

Sometimes I feel there's a disparity with how I see myself and how people see me. This happens most of the time in the workplace. When I go in there, I take my job seriously but I still have lots of fun. I work hard, I work with integrity and I do have hopes that I will be able to motivate people one step at a time and move the team forward. 

People have an opinion on everything. There are weird people who make snotty comments about how I dress up, like they always ask me why am I wearing heels and all, or why do I dress up nice today. which is just for me completely bullshit because I haven't shopped in ages and they think I'm wearing something for the first time. Some people say I keep pleasing people. Some say I am indifferent to people. Probably they all couldn't just believe that even if people say a lot of weird things that don't make sense to me, I am still nice to them. I let them be themselves and I don't disrespect what they're saying. What is truly sad with all this is that these opinions come from people who I keep hanging out with. It is sad because this happens in any other workplace.

I don't think I have the patience to deal with this but it keeps nagging me in the sense that I have to deal with this and to at least say my opinion about this.

What keeps me going is turning to the people who believe I can do grand things and who creates a world where ideas are nurtured and not made fun of. Turn to their own selves and keep believing that the vision you are thinking today could be executed tomorrow. I get shot down most of the time, but all I have to do is go back to the drawing board and rethink.