Hope for the best

I've been secretly feeling low these past few days. Somebody's leaving me and I don't know how I am supposed to feel. The truth is and I could never admit this to him - I will be very sad and lost without him. The decision is not within his control so saying my feelings don't really matter. I had the craziest times with this person.

I draw myself near

Close enough to let somebody know the real me, rub myself off you, and let you see the parts nobody wants to see.

A cat came in my room and I was shrieking half to death for causing disturbance and taking me by surprise. The cat just welcomed herself in, trying to get a piece of comfort that I couldn't offer. It never attempted to hurt me but I couldn't learn to trust it so I ran away. I could never blame other people for not learning how to live with them. I could never blame why I am like this.

I guess I could never have your life. I could never be a part of it and there'd always be that invisible bubble that neither of us would poke. It depresses me to know this secret truth we share.

How do I go on from here?

Learning to fly

I am having trouble getting out of bed for the past few weeks. I admit that there wasn't any effort to motivate myself and get up and be on time.

I've also gone through a major embarrassing moment by exposing my feelings and admitting to jealousy.

I feel that there is nothing secure -my work, my home, my lovelife. I'm at a wit's end trying to control my feelings or my reaction to these changes. Pain could still strike you at moments you think you've fully recovered.

I'm still learning to let go and accept fully that nothing is permanent and everything could slip away. The most that I could do is think of now and worry less.

This means letting you be and not be affected by the rash actions you make to impress somebody or be everybody's boy toy. I should learn to be happy we don't have to be together all the time. You don't have to push my buttons, ask me blunt questions, I will learn to think less of you. Learn to heal. Carry on.

Rants in the 21st century

I tried to rest this weekend and make myself productive but I ended up listening to old music and lying on my bed all weekend. I can't bear this heavy feeling I've had all week. The burden of seeing injustice and this obligatory task for me to demand fairness. I went out for coffee and appreciate art but still spaced out. 

I need to bring up that my team is undercompensated and seeing that we also face clients day in and out, salaries must be aligned to the right standards. I feel uncomfortable writing about it but I hope to find time to bring it up. My conscience is going back and forth on the consequences of this action. How my boss and his boss will react to it will of course define how I see This company and if there is a future here.

In other circumstances, I also feel like escaping again. My parents bringing up when will I get married because I need somebody. How could they do this, how could they put me in a box and define me as somebody who is incomplete? I am not going to depend my life and wait for my future to happen with somebody. They make me feel that marriage is the end goal but I see married couples fight all the time. It doesn't make sense.

Top things I have learned in the last few days

1. I love to try kitesurfing sometime but I would need a huge ton of muscles to build myself for it.

2. It is not a bad thing if I am not thinking of ANYTHING.

3. I love the smell of sunblock and coconut but my skin asthma is such a killjoy each time I swim on the beach or sunbathe.

4. I need to control my temper and be nicer to people I work with.

5. There is so much music out there. I've got to create my taking-a-shower playlist.

6. It's hard to be around with people. It's hard to be around myself because I don't talk to people. I don't know why I am itching to have somebody to be around with 24/7.

Valentines

I got the sweetest Valentines from:

-Steph - she gave me a Valentine balloon and the pop-up card that says Mr Right, because truthfully she knows what I am going through. So sweet <3

-My dad - he gave me a Chocolate lollipop, and the manner of how he gave it is that he went out of his room and asked me to wait on the dining table, considering he is disabled and it would take time for him to walk, and he brought out a chocolate lollipop and told me he was trying not to eat it all week, he was sad that I didn't come home for the weekend. But he was so glad to see me.

Feeling loved unexpectedly is one of the sweetest things I haven't had in a long time. I will try to be nicer to the world.

Scratch the itch

Its the fourth day since I got a tat last week to cover my old one. I don't know why I decided to get one this year. Part of me still wants to see if I am still how I see myself. Or did I close my mind on everything already?

I used to be more restless, reckless and free but I ended up being more damaged. I am definitely not naive anymore but I also lost my ability to smile in the face of adversity.

I pray this is going to be a great year. I am tired of keeping my hopes up.