Fruitcake

I need my real friends.

Heaven is a truck. It got stuck on a breeze

I went up the mountain. I went up on November 30, 2013. It was my real birthday. I always wondered what it feels like living inside a tent. No bathroom. No TV. No plug to charge all your phone into. Nothing to cook with but makeshift equipment brought by our guide. 

We kept walking and walking. I never got used to walking, especially when there's 15 litres on my back. We kept slipping and falling. I ended up being less afraid and tired to slip and fall on muddy tracks. We walked in the sun, in the rain. We walked under the bed of stars. I have never seen so many stars that day. I couldn't remember the last time I looked up and looked for the stars. I couldn't even remember the last time I wished upon them. Maybe it was the time I asked for forever and it didn't turn out that way.

I am happy to have done this. Climbing the mountain, seeing the sea of clouds and vastness of the earth. Plus the fact that I did this for myself. Climb up a tree on my birthday turned out to be climb a mountain on my fake birthday. I guess things do fall in time and what happens is something better than what we had imagined.

so what else is new

Robert Montgomery

Robert Montgomery

just in case

I am going to lose in all this, it would be because I have gotten myself attached to you. Your charm still pisses me off because it works in the most weird times and I shouldn't be falling for compliments you say or things you do unexpectedly. I knew you'd be messing with me anyway.

Truth is that I am happy that I don't have to deal with any emotional stress/drama about feelings or revolve my world around someone. I could have fun and flirty days when I want to.

Thank you for the kisses in the elevator.

Whirlwinds

Whirlwinds often come in at times when you're just starting to get secure in your own little space. Maybe they are just there to mess you up or make sure things stay messy for you to deal with because they never liked comfort or security. They would definitely not give you a good night's sleep. 

"Life's no piece of cake, mind you,

but the recipe's your own to fool with." - Haruki Murakami, Hard-Boiled Wonderland and The End of the World

Turned 26

"And when the event, the big change in your life, is simply an insight--isn't that a strange thing? That absolutely nothing changes except that you see things differently and you're less fearful and less anxious and generally stronger as a result: isn't it amazing that a completely invisible thing in your head can feel realer than anything you've experienced before? You see things more clearly and you know that you're seeing them more clearly. And it comes to you that this is what it means to love life, this is all anybody who talk seriously about God is ever talking about. Moments like this." - Jonathan Franzen

September flies by

"The wind blew, from what quarter I know not, but it lifted the half-grown leaves so that there was a flash of silver-grey in the air. It was the time between the lights when colors undergo their intensification and purples and golds burn in windowpanes like the beat of an excitable heart; when for some reason the beauty of the world revealed and yet soon to perish ... has two edges, one of laughter, one of anguish, cutting the heart asunder." - Virginia Woolf

Coldplay had a warning sign

The songs never end and I always get to miss you one way or the other. Loving you is a hopelessly sad feeling and I can no never go on thinking about somebody else because they are never as familiar and concrete as you were. They never get close enough to hurt me.

Maybe I am in love with my own misery but each time I put down these words I keep on realizing that I am okay. Things dont feel bad anymore. Its better this way. No lingering ex, no possessive bestfriend, and nothing else that would make me feel less about myself. This is my peace of mind. Less naive, more grounded.

Strangely enough most of my friends are also going through this same amount of loneliness. We just have to look out for each other.

Myself included

I say a prayer for things I cannot control, for people I've hurt, and for the world that needs to heal.

How to be honest

I don't want write about you

Thinking of you is easy enough to do. It doesn't take any amount of sweat to glide and escape this mess I am caught in. I hope I could tell myself that this is something I shouldn't keep on doing and wish that someday these daydreams could finally rest because you'd be right in front of me to say hello. to talk. to laugh. to kiss me. to love. to live. Won't you be seeing me anytime soon?  

Stéphanie: Isn't life already in 3-D?

Stephane: Dear Stephanie: I am just your neighbor, there us nothing more to say than that. This is the reason why I am writing a letter to you because I feel really bad inside my stomach. I don’t know if what I feel is a bit of nostalgia, or wanting to go to the bathroom. I am just a new liar in your life. A new liar that has come and destroyed your piano and maybe by doing that destroy the huge heritage. I want us to start a new start and a new blank page of friendship. And if you can embrace that the same way I am embracing it right now, I see the possibilities once we go above that threshold of life and matters that succumb and become trickling down into this little pond that is called life.

***
Stephane: Will you marry me when you are seventy? You'd have nothing to lose.

***

Stephanie: Why me?

Stephane: Because everyone else is boring. And because you are different. You don't like me, Stèphanie.

Small wins

(Daughter trapped in a burning building)
Dad: honey, jump! You have to jump honey
Daughter: But daddy, I can't see you
Dad: I can

Do insomniacs finish more books in a year?

How do people stay together?

Sunshine Parade

I usually dread meeting my friends again. Not because I have any hate feelings against them but probably because I don't have stories to tell. Not because I hate socializing but probably because I'm just no good at it. I was glad my hate feelings turned around right when I walked up the stairs and saw them. I couldn't help but be in the zone with these girls today. It just wouldn't be fair if I acted grumpy and ruin their spirits. I got an (intimidating) sketchbook, free vodka, and a few good laughs. All for free and it's not even my birthday.

I fell from the cloud

Last week I found out you really had someone although it never really occurred to me you'd be the kind to sit on a long term/serious relationship. It sucks really to actually write this down as if I've shamelessly professed my insatiable likeness to everyone who knows you and write this as my deathnote in accepting my own stupidity, naivety and senselessness. Did you know that I went up north last weekend after hearing the news and went to the weekly show you and your friends go to? I wanted to see it for myself. I wanted to see if you'd still remember me. But of course I didn't see you. I left early.

Since the last two years, I've always wondered if I will ever meet someone great and humble and just greater than the last relationship I've been through because really I need a chance. It ended badly to cut the long story short and somehow I need a chance to learn from my mistakes.

I'm such a sucker for love. I should be ashamed.

Ang bigat

Last month, there was an incident in the office where a bad email was sent to everybody and the attachment included highly sensitive information (i.e. salary of everybody in that office) and unfortunately few people had forwarded a copy of that email to their personal email accounts. Two nights ago, a close friend have been informed that one of our other close friends is one of these "few people" and whom we haven't talked to for quite a while. It's pretty heavy to hear that kind of news and you easily feel biased on the issue. I don't really know why she did what she did and I just wished that she didn't do it. The way she defended herself was by blaming other people and she couldn't admit or give up her pride and admit that she was curious and really looked into how much everybody else is getting paid for. I can't help but be biased. I would always have that impression that the next time she complains about her job or not getting paid enough and hoping to find another job (which she always do btw) has something to do with the fact that she'd been comparing her compensation to other people. It's a terrible situation.

great photographers and the stories they tell

Guillaume Gilbert

It's been a long time since I've looked at works of great street photographers/ photojournalists. With the whole instagram/fb trend, social media is just giving everybody a piece of their vanity and the meaning (or lack of it) serves itself only when the number of likes are high. I like that there are still a few who preserve the nostalgia of capturing moments. I still dream of being one of these people. If only I could save up some money to buy a real real camera.

Kosuke Okahara

OO NGA NAMAN

No Play

View outside office pantry - Solaris Building, June 10, 2013

I've been busy these days with work. So many things have happened in a span of a month and I don't think I could breathe from all the resignations from our counterpart's office. I don't really know how I am doing right now. I know I really wanted to bring in clients for my team to handle but it's just overwhelming. Doing everything to avoid fucking up is the pressure I haven't been handling well right now. I'd like to believe in what my mentor believes in. Even if these are tough times I'd also like to be hopeful that we would learn as a team and move forward in making our team visible in the Manila office and be recognized for a job well done.

I should be spending this weekend working but my heart isn't at peace. I've been watching these movies of old people (One last night at Eiga Sai with Chin and Karen - Dear Doctor, 2009 by Miwa Nishikawa, and the other is a documentary on Bill Cunningham) and these movies have given me so much wisdom about living with less. It has made me more or less miss my paternal grandparents whom I am very close to. What matters truly in life?

big bowl of soup

Before take-off (HK-MNL) - May 22, 2013

It has been half of the year and strangely I am getting more and more headaches. But the thing is, I don't really know what I am actually thinking and needing. It's all scattered in my head. I am getting anxious that I am not getting ahead as much as I want to in terms of work and plans to move the team forward. I have plans to spend my time with something more creative but I haven't really thought about it. I want to be able to keep up with the game when I join water hockey. My problem at home is space. space to do my own thing without being disturbed or nagged at. space to sleep soundly. Insomnia is such an understatement since 2011. I am stuck and my mind is getting soupy from racking my head with what I could do to endure/alleviate/solve this. 

Darling, I got you a paperclip.

"Darling, if life is a car journey, and fortune is the weather, then sometimes fortune shines and we can fold down the roof and speed along joyfully. But sometimes fortune blows cold, freezing our progress - and when it does you're always there to overcome the frost of uncertainty and let us see the road ahead. Just llike this ice scraper."

Feelings of escapism

best described by Ivy.

 

Migraine

Korea - January 2013

I don't know why I'm getting migraine these days. The terrible hot Manila weather might have something to do with it. I try to move around today but I'm stuck to the sofa, attempting to read Kurt Vonnegut/Fyodor Dostoevsky or sleep it off. In my attempts to dismiss it, I have slept twice, ate thrice, drank coffee, drank beer but still it doesn't go away. I carry on with my day stumbling upon this song and to my joy, a certain calmness hits me.

seven minutes of heaven

It takes one step to start doing something about the things you want to happen or else those dreams will never ever happen. Last Friday, I found myself cracking in my own nervousness just to find you.

Sincerely

Thank you for the attention but I dont think it's in my best interest right now.

I dont know if this could be the smartest or dumbest thing I would do. I hope I wont have to say this to you. You are nice, sweet, cheerful and a bit crazy. You are a ray of sunshine sneaking in my scattered room of gloom and horrors.

Forgive me for always eating your happy thoughts with hard-edge tactless words. Or my failure to respond to the things you tell me.

If all these gifts and question of when will i see you again and how i am is just your innocent means of getting to know me, it has got to stop. Stop asking me out. Stop inviting me to trips. Stop asking me how I am. I am not even there yet with you.

Its all intense. Your words are over intense. Its scaring me.

I have a lot on my plate right now and I dont even have anything to offer.

I know I'm walking away to a-what-could-have-been.

Im sorry.

You get shot down while you try to stand up

Sometimes I feel there's a disparity with how I see myself and how people see me. This happens most of the time in the workplace. When I go in there, I take my job seriously but I still have lots of fun. I work hard, I work with integrity and I do have hopes that I will be able to motivate people one step at a time and move the team forward. 

People have an opinion on everything. There are weird people who make snotty comments about how I dress up, like they always ask me why am I wearing heels and all, or why do I dress up nice today. which is just for me completely bullshit because I haven't shopped in ages and they think I'm wearing something for the first time. Some people say I keep pleasing people. Some say I am indifferent to people. Probably they all couldn't just believe that even if people say a lot of weird things that don't make sense to me, I am still nice to them. I let them be themselves and I don't disrespect what they're saying. What is truly sad with all this is that these opinions come from people who I keep hanging out with. It is sad because this happens in any other workplace.

I don't think I have the patience to deal with this but it keeps nagging me in the sense that I have to deal with this and to at least say my opinion about this.

What keeps me going is turning to the people who believe I can do grand things and who creates a world where ideas are nurtured and not made fun of. Turn to their own selves and keep believing that the vision you are thinking today could be executed tomorrow. I get shot down most of the time, but all I have to do is go back to the drawing board and rethink.

You told me you wanted to eat up my sadness, well jump on, you can gorge away

Last night, I watched Bloc Party LIVE!!! I remember using this quote on my Friendster account back when I was still in college. I still couldn't believe that they are as good as the videos I watch on YouTube. It was a good thing that Karen forced me in this last minute purchase. We danced with our tired feet. Karen sang to almost every song. We screamed when all the sad songs started playing (So Here We Are, Sunday, Kreuzberg, Truth). We were the groupies who didn't make it to the first row. 

Everybody was such in a party mood, specifically the three foreigners going wild in front of us.

The stage production was also lovely.

Great, great night.

Could I have more of these please?? :)

but in the morning after the night i fall in love with the light

It's the middle of March. It's summer. It's 30 degrees. I'm dehydrated. This is another hangover to deal with, but I woke up so early because I am happy. 


The last two days has made me feel alive again. I've been burned out with work and non-work stuff.

Maybe I should regularly see my friends even if I don't have money to dine out. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rX3Cd1_BTRg 

Worrying

Sometimes so much anticipation gets to me. I could hardly sleep.

Sheer luck

Every so often I get introduced to pretty, good music. Then I'd take the whole weekend to clean my ipod and look at my random post-it notes with songs I don't want to forget. First time to find out that the artist below is also in my list of music to download.

Friendship unfolding

Meeting new people, with whom you share the same interests with, is a dime in a dozen. 

Strange implications

I don't like it when people post songs that have hateful lyrics/ expressing hate/anger/disgust about someone else.

It clearly has no good intentions and I think it is more hurtful than backstabbing.

The receiver person who is involved and fully aware of the evil person's situation is put into a very tragic spot. S/he cannot assume or deny. Add to that agony that person's love for music if s/he is well engaged with music and the words played. 

Well I would easily get hurt or be affected when I see a friend do that to me. I just don't get it why you're doing this. Better sign off from you.

Wasted daylight

Maybe I have been waiting. Patiently. And you don't have the slightest idea.

I am here a thousand miles away but I feel my soul has longed for you. Maybe its just me being in love with the idea of love, but the stillness of the sea has drowned every noisy thing out but you.

How long must I wait?

The image of your face relaxes me.

I wish I don't have to keep thinking of you. What use is this burden to me if it is leading nowhere. My mind could learn to be free and to live only in the present.

Everybody just leaves anyway.

Would you ever come looking for me?

About today

It is the end of the day and I feel like singing "The National - About Today" to myself. My brain is getting messed up again and stretches itself open to the sacredness of life. The orderly fashion of dealing with misery starts at the point of my own failure to sigh. I wanted to cry somehow but no tears escape my eyes. Why am I sad again? My trip to South Korea was fun. I just got home.

Sometimes I worry that at the end of my life I may not be brave enough to face death and for that I would remain a ghost. I dont want that to happen. I want to be at peace.

Traffic in the sky

It's my first time to encounter winter season and it is unbearable. The warmth of the morning sun isn't enough to feel my toes.

Being homesick when there isn't anyone waiting back home is the oddest thing. Korea do seem interesting but home has been on my mind.

*Traffic in the sky - Jack Johnson

How will this all end?

I've been more introspective these days. 

Choosing to stay at home than meet up with friends for dinner invitations. 

Choosing to eat at my desk than join the lunch-hour chatter. 

It's easy to get lost in other people's stories, sensible or senseless, and get blinded by tangible things. Sometimes I do get into these episodes when there are so many things going on. I want to step back. The information overload makes me hard to remember dates experiences moments. 

Scattered thoughts, scattered head, scattered things, scattered head.

It's all over the place. I don't want to end up jaded.

I always have the strangest feeling that the disease I fear the most is what will hit me.