I am officially free, no matter what

I told myself that things would be easier if I stopped putting myself into messed up situations. Things ended with the two assholes and now, I don't know what to do. I don't know where to be.

I have to be firm. I have to be firm. 

Last Friday I said some very mean things to the guy who always understands me. Even if he is doing it to get into my pants he was very patient with me all week. Making sure I am okay, saying goodbye even if I didnt want to talk. Even if I wanted to slice his head off. 

I am sorry for the way I said these things. It's just too much. I didnt say it nicely.. I am walking away but you wanted me to think it over the weekend... What is there to think of? I know this is where I am.. Question is, what am I to you exactly? You don't have to manipulate me in believing that these things work. One of us will get hurt in the end. You're stuck there. You will marry her. It's no big deal. I dont need to be attached to this set-up. I need to be the one and only party to a guy I like. No other girl is involved. I cannot do that if you always ask me where I am going and who I am going to be with each night. Or if I like somebody else. But I cannot demand you anything because you live with her. 

I feel like I am the one cheating. I feel like I am not allowed to live like how things should be. Or allowed to meet someone else. I will always be loyal, i don't juggle guys, I will never do that. 

So this has got to stop. It's not healthy anymore. Even if it will take me years to get somebody to like me, its okay. I want to start it right. It maybe boring and less adventurous but it's more long-term.

toxic city

I have been told that I am a sponge, probably a sponge of other people's secrets, but I cannot keep my own secrets to myself. My life has always been an open book, I love kiss and tell because I am happy with what I feel, and most of my friends know a lot of things to put me in blackmail.

Putting myself out there is making myself transparent to that marathon of emotions I keep running on even if I consider myself highly insensitive to expressing my own feelings. To cut the long story short, I hate my own guts.

Things are getting complicated right now and I want to end the game. Be over and done with. These toxic relationships are dragging me down. I haven't been thinking straight lately.

I have been thinking of you ever since I came back from Hongkong. Thoughts of how this started and however version I'd like it to be it just doesn't make sense. Did you really want to start like this when we first met in Fete? For the time that passed, did it change you? I feel bad that you're doing this to me. Lying to her with me, and I know eventually you'll lie to me with somebody else. These things just don't make sense to me.

Because I wanted things to be right. I want you to see me for me. Unfortunately, the odds are never in my favor.