High and dry

If my heart breaks again, I will be sad. 

When will I ever ever learn?

I want to drop these feelings growing in me. I am scared the happiness I am having now means a multitude of loneliness for me. 

Maybe I just don't care

Searching you is hard. Why don't I see you? Where could you be? I thought I did, I thought it was you. I thought I could finally have my peace.

I am getting this sad feeling that I will never see you. You say you come in all sorts of sizes, tucked in the darkest corner or laying softly still, unnoticed but important. I don't want to give up on finding you but you you you make it so hard for me to find you. If there were signs or hints you've been dropping, I don't see it.

And I feel like giving up, going back to my old habits. I'm used to being a scrooge anyway...

Full Stretch

I like walking under the stars, I like walking when the sun hasn't come up and the whole world is still sleeping. I may not have the right hiking shoes or a headlamp to save myself from tripping(used my phone's flashlight) but I carried on.

Climbing a mountain is a feat in itself. Climbing three mountains in a day is already way too above my level of expectation. It feels like penance for all the negative energy that came in and got stuck in my life. Plus it seemed to me a challenge I couldn't pass.

My friend, Carol, told me that all the mountaineers with us are real passionate hobbyists and took on the trilogy hike to prepare themselves for a more difficult trail. As for me, the only thing that kept me on is Lakas ng Loob. The moment she said that I seemed to have choked on the water I was drinking generously. haha

I hope this year I will keep on surprising myself. Be less afraid or conscious about things.

Benefit of the doubt

I hate sad and tragic endings. I've been catching up on movies shown this year, and I really pause or not finish the part where I think somebody is going to die. Yes, that's it. I avoid getting overwhelmed. I avoid crying my heart out. I hate endings where people suddenly die and the person who got left behind didn't have the time to say all the words s/he wanted to say. Because I find it pretty unfair.

In reality, we are all just getting by. We are all just being in the moment without care or regard for consequences. If I think too much of the purpose of and meaning in every minute of my life, I would have been carrying so much baggage. I would have loved too much of it, failing to let go for fear of it becoming just a memory or a forgotten thought.

It's not about being ungrateful for each moment, but it is more of my tendency to romanticize things too much. If all my failed relationships had ever taught me anything, it is to not look back when you've decided to walk away. And little did they know, I stretched myself long enough for them to come back. I was always the last one who walked away.

So when people suddenly decide to come back me in my life, what do I do? Do I keep closing the door or allow them to walk in again?

Endings

This year is coming to a close. It went by fast and I am still running around doing the things I need to do.

Nevertheless, I have treasured all my free time to think, to sleep, and to dream. All rooms I reside in are a complete mess. Frankly, I haven't got the chance to be in my favorite aisle of True Value and choose cleaners.

Is it because I am too detail-oriented? I have to care about that last small thing and make them feel included in the grand scheme of things? Or how I felt inmy childhood  with my lack of neighborhood friends and I don't know where to fit myself in?

I still don't know. I am still the third wheel, the outsider who changes the dynamics for best friends. always in the middle.

But do I have to fit in??

Fashionably unhappy

I've read one whole book of Thich Nhat Hanh today and it feels like a whole new awakening. The notion of impermanence has always terrified me and makes me miserable but today I've read it in a whole new light.

Coming back to myself, let the love in. Living in the here and now and living a compassionate life. I've been hating myself for the past five years, never fully taking an effort to assess myself and deal with what has become of me. I used to love myself, free of sorrow, untroubled by worries. I have seen myself grow old and suffocated by the toxicity of myself. I have resorted to alcohol and cigarettes. I dont sleep. I eat little. I've abused myself, being unable to let go of my worries and constantly drowning in hate and despair.

Riding the midnight bus on the way to Sabang, I'm used to this habit of listening to sad songs to feel the ride, but last night when everyone else is asleep, I couldn't choose any song that would fit my brokenness. I am finally feeling peaceful, living in the now, remembering the past with no pain. I love myself now.

Impermanence also means hope. These sad feelings don't last and these negative perceptions would end. 

Walk lightly.

Para Hindi Ka Mawala

       

Sa totoo lang, gusto kita. Palagi kita naiisip. Tingin ko matino ka kausap, kung maguusap talaga tayo ng masinsinan, at walang nangaasar satin. At hindi mo rin ako aasarin.

Parehas lang tayo tahimik, mayabang = may pride. Siguro parehas lang rin tayo nasaktan na kaya hindi na tayo madali sumakay sa mga ganitong kababawan. At parehas lang tayo walang gagawin sa situation na ito.

Ano ba dapat ko gawin para hindi ka mawala sakin?

Stoned in my best friend's room

Sometimes I miss being with somebody and think of how I am ready to be with somebody again. Unfortunately, when I eventually meet somebody, I turn out to be a totally different person and be crap.

I don't really know why this happens. I don't teally know how I become totally realistic about things and still be in love. It seems it doesn't come together. Or simply means I am not cut out to handle the drama that comes in every relationship. Somehow I beg to believe I am capable of being the stage girlfriend and be loved by his mother, his sister, his best friend, his kid, or even his lingering ex, and everybody else be hapoy that I am there.

I cannot being my old self back because my old self being in love isn't a pleasure to be around with. But rather an annoyance to the people who are realists and are experts in relationships.

My dreams of being part of making-the-world-a-better-place bandwagon is still here in my head and I just long to find my purpose and be out there but I also can't help the thing I will be missing out on: marriage. I have sacrificed so much to people I fell in love with, I gave them my everything and even with the first person NOBODY knew I loved, he would never fully understand why things are the way they are. What ifs are not my thing and this is how I choose to move on. 

In between

Waiting is the hard part. My mind is wandering endlessly and restlessly of what is yet to come.

I am going on a vacation in San Francisco in four days and I should be excited about but I could not get myself to feel that way because of so many things:

-Julie got dengue and she is still in the hospital for internal bleeding.

-Today, a Sunday, I was told that the fresh graduate I was supposed to offer retracted his application and I need to close it before I leave.

-There is a new hire starting tomorrow and truthfully struggling her trainings and reminders.

-The newsletter is not yet fully completed.

-I am hoping no new disbursements will come in this week.

-There's still a typhoon

Overall I have little faith that my anxiety will be put at ease. I want to find time to do things I want to do and not be rattled by problems worries and fears.

Skywriting

People seem to think that you leaving this place is making me depressed. The truth is, I am okay even if I feel broken. Things are just less fun. Less adventurous. More quiet. No one checks up on how my weekend went by or what I am going to do or where I will be later. But I want you to be happy and I want peace for myself. I should not forget that we had ugly times too.

I know both of us will not make an effort to maintain the 'relationship', so. I've fully accepted the fact this is how things should be.

If I miss you that is just me daydreaming. 

Hope for the best

I've been secretly feeling low these past few days. Somebody's leaving me and I don't know how I am supposed to feel. The truth is and I could never admit this to him - I will be very sad and lost without him. The decision is not within his control so saying my feelings don't really matter. I had the craziest times with this person.

I draw myself near

Close enough to let somebody know the real me, rub myself off you, and let you see the parts nobody wants to see.

A cat came in my room and I was shrieking half to death for causing disturbance and taking me by surprise. The cat just welcomed herself in, trying to get a piece of comfort that I couldn't offer. It never attempted to hurt me but I couldn't learn to trust it so I ran away. I could never blame other people for not learning how to live with them. I could never blame why I am like this.

I guess I could never have your life. I could never be a part of it and there'd always be that invisible bubble that neither of us would poke. It depresses me to know this secret truth we share.

How do I go on from here?

Learning to fly

I am having trouble getting out of bed for the past few weeks. I admit that there wasn't any effort to motivate myself and get up and be on time.

I've also gone through a major embarrassing moment by exposing my feelings and admitting to jealousy.

I feel that there is nothing secure -my work, my home, my lovelife. I'm at a wit's end trying to control my feelings or my reaction to these changes. Pain could still strike you at moments you think you've fully recovered.

I'm still learning to let go and accept fully that nothing is permanent and everything could slip away. The most that I could do is think of now and worry less.

This means letting you be and not be affected by the rash actions you make to impress somebody or be everybody's boy toy. I should learn to be happy we don't have to be together all the time. You don't have to push my buttons, ask me blunt questions, I will learn to think less of you. Learn to heal. Carry on.

Rants in the 21st century

I tried to rest this weekend and make myself productive but I ended up listening to old music and lying on my bed all weekend. I can't bear this heavy feeling I've had all week. The burden of seeing injustice and this obligatory task for me to demand fairness. I went out for coffee and appreciate art but still spaced out. 

I need to bring up that my team is undercompensated and seeing that we also face clients day in and out, salaries must be aligned to the right standards. I feel uncomfortable writing about it but I hope to find time to bring it up. My conscience is going back and forth on the consequences of this action. How my boss and his boss will react to it will of course define how I see This company and if there is a future here.

In other circumstances, I also feel like escaping again. My parents bringing up when will I get married because I need somebody. How could they do this, how could they put me in a box and define me as somebody who is incomplete? I am not going to depend my life and wait for my future to happen with somebody. They make me feel that marriage is the end goal but I see married couples fight all the time. It doesn't make sense.

Top things I have learned in the last few days

1. I love to try kitesurfing sometime but I would need a huge ton of muscles to build myself for it.

2. It is not a bad thing if I am not thinking of ANYTHING.

3. I love the smell of sunblock and coconut but my skin asthma is such a killjoy each time I swim on the beach or sunbathe.

4. I need to control my temper and be nicer to people I work with.

5. There is so much music out there. I've got to create my taking-a-shower playlist.

6. It's hard to be around with people. It's hard to be around myself because I don't talk to people. I don't know why I am itching to have somebody to be around with 24/7.

Valentines

I got the sweetest Valentines from:

-Steph - she gave me a Valentine balloon and the pop-up card that says Mr Right, because truthfully she knows what I am going through. So sweet <3

-My dad - he gave me a Chocolate lollipop, and the manner of how he gave it is that he went out of his room and asked me to wait on the dining table, considering he is disabled and it would take time for him to walk, and he brought out a chocolate lollipop and told me he was trying not to eat it all week, he was sad that I didn't come home for the weekend. But he was so glad to see me.

Feeling loved unexpectedly is one of the sweetest things I haven't had in a long time. I will try to be nicer to the world.

Scratch the itch

Its the fourth day since I got a tat last week to cover my old one. I don't know why I decided to get one this year. Part of me still wants to see if I am still how I see myself. Or did I close my mind on everything already?

I used to be more restless, reckless and free but I ended up being more damaged. I am definitely not naive anymore but I also lost my ability to smile in the face of adversity.

I pray this is going to be a great year. I am tired of keeping my hopes up.

Pope Francis in town

http://www.rappler.com/specials/pope-francis-ph/81203-full-text-pope-francis-message-youth-ust

What do I want to do next?

  

This is a year where I will learn to love myself, open myself to new experiences, new friends, new scene. I will know how to handle stress better and sleep better. I will save, save, save and not put myself out of financial independence.

This is a year to improve the team and provide concrete solutions and gain our client's trust again.

Toxic relationships

I did several bad things this year and as much as I have a strong attachment to these things, I feel I am given the chance to end things and turn my life around before a new year rolls over.