Benefit of the doubt

I hate sad and tragic endings. I've been catching up on movies shown this year, and I really pause or not finish the part where I think somebody is going to die. Yes, that's it. I avoid getting overwhelmed. I avoid crying my heart out. I hate endings where people suddenly die and the person who got left behind didn't have the time to say all the words s/he wanted to say. Because I find it pretty unfair.

In reality, we are all just getting by. We are all just being in the moment without care or regard for consequences. If I think too much of the purpose of and meaning in every minute of my life, I would have been carrying so much baggage. I would have loved too much of it, failing to let go for fear of it becoming just a memory or a forgotten thought.

It's not about being ungrateful for each moment, but it is more of my tendency to romanticize things too much. If all my failed relationships had ever taught me anything, it is to not look back when you've decided to walk away. And little did they know, I stretched myself long enough for them to come back. I was always the last one who walked away.

So when people suddenly decide to come back me in my life, what do I do? Do I keep closing the door or allow them to walk in again?

Endings

This year is coming to a close. It went by fast and I am still running around doing the things I need to do.

Nevertheless, I have treasured all my free time to think, to sleep, and to dream. All rooms I reside in are a complete mess. Frankly, I haven't got the chance to be in my favorite aisle of True Value and choose cleaners.

Is it because I am too detail-oriented? I have to care about that last small thing and make them feel included in the grand scheme of things? Or how I felt inmy childhood  with my lack of neighborhood friends and I don't know where to fit myself in?

I still don't know. I am still the third wheel, the outsider who changes the dynamics for best friends. always in the middle.

But do I have to fit in??

Fashionably unhappy

I've read one whole book of Thich Nhat Hanh today and it feels like a whole new awakening. The notion of impermanence has always terrified me and makes me miserable but today I've read it in a whole new light.

Coming back to myself, let the love in. Living in the here and now and living a compassionate life. I've been hating myself for the past five years, never fully taking an effort to assess myself and deal with what has become of me. I used to love myself, free of sorrow, untroubled by worries. I have seen myself grow old and suffocated by the toxicity of myself. I have resorted to alcohol and cigarettes. I dont sleep. I eat little. I've abused myself, being unable to let go of my worries and constantly drowning in hate and despair.

Riding the midnight bus on the way to Sabang, I'm used to this habit of listening to sad songs to feel the ride, but last night when everyone else is asleep, I couldn't choose any song that would fit my brokenness. I am finally feeling peaceful, living in the now, remembering the past with no pain. I love myself now.

Impermanence also means hope. These sad feelings don't last and these negative perceptions would end. 

Walk lightly.

Para Hindi Ka Mawala

       

Sa totoo lang, gusto kita. Palagi kita naiisip. Tingin ko matino ka kausap, kung maguusap talaga tayo ng masinsinan, at walang nangaasar satin. At hindi mo rin ako aasarin.

Parehas lang tayo tahimik, mayabang = may pride. Siguro parehas lang rin tayo nasaktan na kaya hindi na tayo madali sumakay sa mga ganitong kababawan. At parehas lang tayo walang gagawin sa situation na ito.

Ano ba dapat ko gawin para hindi ka mawala sakin?

Stoned in my best friend's room

Sometimes I miss being with somebody and think of how I am ready to be with somebody again. Unfortunately, when I eventually meet somebody, I turn out to be a totally different person and be crap.

I don't really know why this happens. I don't teally know how I become totally realistic about things and still be in love. It seems it doesn't come together. Or simply means I am not cut out to handle the drama that comes in every relationship. Somehow I beg to believe I am capable of being the stage girlfriend and be loved by his mother, his sister, his best friend, his kid, or even his lingering ex, and everybody else be hapoy that I am there.

I cannot being my old self back because my old self being in love isn't a pleasure to be around with. But rather an annoyance to the people who are realists and are experts in relationships.

My dreams of being part of making-the-world-a-better-place bandwagon is still here in my head and I just long to find my purpose and be out there but I also can't help the thing I will be missing out on: marriage. I have sacrificed so much to people I fell in love with, I gave them my everything and even with the first person NOBODY knew I loved, he would never fully understand why things are the way they are. What ifs are not my thing and this is how I choose to move on. 

In between

Waiting is the hard part. My mind is wandering endlessly and restlessly of what is yet to come.

I am going on a vacation in San Francisco in four days and I should be excited about but I could not get myself to feel that way because of so many things:

-Julie got dengue and she is still in the hospital for internal bleeding.

-Today, a Sunday, I was told that the fresh graduate I was supposed to offer retracted his application and I need to close it before I leave.

-There is a new hire starting tomorrow and truthfully struggling her trainings and reminders.

-The newsletter is not yet fully completed.

-I am hoping no new disbursements will come in this week.

-There's still a typhoon

Overall I have little faith that my anxiety will be put at ease. I want to find time to do things I want to do and not be rattled by problems worries and fears.

Skywriting

People seem to think that you leaving this place is making me depressed. The truth is, I am okay even if I feel broken. Things are just less fun. Less adventurous. More quiet. No one checks up on how my weekend went by or what I am going to do or where I will be later. But I want you to be happy and I want peace for myself. I should not forget that we had ugly times too.

I know both of us will not make an effort to maintain the 'relationship', so. I've fully accepted the fact this is how things should be.

If I miss you that is just me daydreaming.