Rico Blanco - Antukin

ako pa ang naloko ngayon. Kudos! Goodbye

I am officially free, no matter what

I told myself that things would be easier if I stopped putting myself into messed up situations. Things ended with the two assholes and now, I don't know what to do. I don't know where to be.

I have to be firm. I have to be firm. 

Last Friday I said some very mean things to the guy who always understands me. Even if he is doing it to get into my pants he was very patient with me all week. Making sure I am okay, saying goodbye even if I didnt want to talk. Even if I wanted to slice his head off. 

I am sorry for the way I said these things. It's just too much. I didnt say it nicely.. I am walking away but you wanted me to think it over the weekend... What is there to think of? I know this is where I am.. Question is, what am I to you exactly? You don't have to manipulate me in believing that these things work. One of us will get hurt in the end. You're stuck there. You will marry her. It's no big deal. I dont need to be attached to this set-up. I need to be the one and only party to a guy I like. No other girl is involved. I cannot do that if you always ask me where I am going and who I am going to be with each night. Or if I like somebody else. But I cannot demand you anything because you live with her. 

I feel like I am the one cheating. I feel like I am not allowed to live like how things should be. Or allowed to meet someone else. I will always be loyal, i don't juggle guys, I will never do that. 

So this has got to stop. It's not healthy anymore. Even if it will take me years to get somebody to like me, its okay. I want to start it right. It maybe boring and less adventurous but it's more long-term.

toxic city

I have been told that I am a sponge, probably a sponge of other people's secrets, but I cannot keep my own secrets to myself. My life has always been an open book, I love kiss and tell because I am happy with what I feel, and most of my friends know a lot of things to put me in blackmail.

Putting myself out there is making myself transparent to that marathon of emotions I keep running on even if I consider myself highly insensitive to expressing my own feelings. To cut the long story short, I hate my own guts.

Things are getting complicated right now and I want to end the game. Be over and done with. These toxic relationships are dragging me down. I haven't been thinking straight lately.

I have been thinking of you ever since I came back from Hongkong. Thoughts of how this started and however version I'd like it to be it just doesn't make sense. Did you really want to start like this when we first met in Fete? For the time that passed, did it change you? I feel bad that you're doing this to me. Lying to her with me, and I know eventually you'll lie to me with somebody else. These things just don't make sense to me.

Because I wanted things to be right. I want you to see me for me. Unfortunately, the odds are never in my favor.

What is love anyway

5 and 3 - numbers playing perfectly on my head. We fucked five times on the first night, three times on the last night. The person who loses is the person thinking too much about this. Maybe it is not much of a game to play. Risks were involved on both sides of the coin. I was told we have freedom to decide but our choices are ruled by emotions. So we always end up choosing the pain we can take and endure.

If I walk away from all this how long will it take me to turn around and run back? People never have a problem walking away and not look back. I have never been one of them. Who's to say change is soft enough to embrace? I'm weak enough to miss those who are never coming back. They always occupy my thoughts. 

I could only count that our stars align someday. And that our own selves would always be in good spirits when we meet again.

eclipses

                                          

I came back from Hongkong with my whole life falling into pieces and I've been trying to save it all throughout this week. In work I was trying to get to transfer a wire payment for my client but it got blocked under US authorities because they say my name is allegedly connected to a threatening business. then they are getting a new manager aside from me and even if they say its a great thing, I can't find myself to accept that things are changing fast. They say it doesn't have anything to do with me but it feels that they are taking away my freedom, the freedom to build Manila out of something and put it in a map.

Would things be different? I don't know what I could have done because even if I did everything to change my boss and boss' boss's minds, they are still pushing the idea.

and after work I don't have anything else. I would be given time which I don't really need. I am already a walking disaster, prone to make my life worse than it already is. 

my lovelife is going dowmhill, being caught in all these complicated hook-ups and getting attached to assholes. Asshole #1 - has a kid and live in gf asshole #2 - is 10 years older than I am and he plainly asked if I could sleep for the night.

Seems that I've come up with the perfect gameplan for failure.

Don't look back

I like you but I know it will never work out.

It never ever works out. I don't even know why I am thinking about it. There's nothing to think about. There's nothing to talk about. Tomorrow we are back to our own realities.

Wish you'd call me.

We'll be the best of friends

This week has been a little too much to handle. I hope we could make it work