Stoned in my best friend's room

Sometimes I miss being with somebody and think of how I am ready to be with somebody again. Unfortunately, when I eventually meet somebody, I turn out to be a totally different person and be crap.

I don't really know why this happens. I don't teally know how I become totally realistic about things and still be in love. It seems it doesn't come together. Or simply means I am not cut out to handle the drama that comes in every relationship. Somehow I beg to believe I am capable of being the stage girlfriend and be loved by his mother, his sister, his best friend, his kid, or even his lingering ex, and everybody else be hapoy that I am there.

I cannot being my old self back because my old self being in love isn't a pleasure to be around with. But rather an annoyance to the people who are realists and are experts in relationships.

My dreams of being part of making-the-world-a-better-place bandwagon is still here in my head and I just long to find my purpose and be out there but I also can't help the thing I will be missing out on: marriage. I have sacrificed so much to people I fell in love with, I gave them my everything and even with the first person NOBODY knew I loved, he would never fully understand why things are the way they are. What ifs are not my thing and this is how I choose to move on. 

In between

Waiting is the hard part. My mind is wandering endlessly and restlessly of what is yet to come.

I am going on a vacation in San Francisco in four days and I should be excited about but I could not get myself to feel that way because of so many things:

-Julie got dengue and she is still in the hospital for internal bleeding.

-Today, a Sunday, I was told that the fresh graduate I was supposed to offer retracted his application and I need to close it before I leave.

-There is a new hire starting tomorrow and truthfully struggling her trainings and reminders.

-The newsletter is not yet fully completed.

-I am hoping no new disbursements will come in this week.

-There's still a typhoon

Overall I have little faith that my anxiety will be put at ease. I want to find time to do things I want to do and not be rattled by problems worries and fears.

Skywriting

People seem to think that you leaving this place is making me depressed. The truth is, I am okay even if I feel broken. Things are just less fun. Less adventurous. More quiet. No one checks up on how my weekend went by or what I am going to do or where I will be later. But I want you to be happy and I want peace for myself. I should not forget that we had ugly times too.

I know both of us will not make an effort to maintain the 'relationship', so. I've fully accepted the fact this is how things should be.

If I miss you that is just me daydreaming. 

Hope for the best

I've been secretly feeling low these past few days. Somebody's leaving me and I don't know how I am supposed to feel. The truth is and I could never admit this to him - I will be very sad and lost without him. The decision is not within his control so saying my feelings don't really matter. I had the craziest times with this person.

I draw myself near

Close enough to let somebody know the real me, rub myself off you, and let you see the parts nobody wants to see.

A cat came in my room and I was shrieking half to death for causing disturbance and taking me by surprise. The cat just welcomed herself in, trying to get a piece of comfort that I couldn't offer. It never attempted to hurt me but I couldn't learn to trust it so I ran away. I could never blame other people for not learning how to live with them. I could never blame why I am like this.

I guess I could never have your life. I could never be a part of it and there'd always be that invisible bubble that neither of us would poke. It depresses me to know this secret truth we share.

How do I go on from here?

Learning to fly

I am having trouble getting out of bed for the past few weeks. I admit that there wasn't any effort to motivate myself and get up and be on time.

I've also gone through a major embarrassing moment by exposing my feelings and admitting to jealousy.

I feel that there is nothing secure -my work, my home, my lovelife. I'm at a wit's end trying to control my feelings or my reaction to these changes. Pain could still strike you at moments you think you've fully recovered.

I'm still learning to let go and accept fully that nothing is permanent and everything could slip away. The most that I could do is think of now and worry less.

This means letting you be and not be affected by the rash actions you make to impress somebody or be everybody's boy toy. I should learn to be happy we don't have to be together all the time. You don't have to push my buttons, ask me blunt questions, I will learn to think less of you. Learn to heal. Carry on.

Rants in the 21st century

I tried to rest this weekend and make myself productive but I ended up listening to old music and lying on my bed all weekend. I can't bear this heavy feeling I've had all week. The burden of seeing injustice and this obligatory task for me to demand fairness. I went out for coffee and appreciate art but still spaced out. 

I need to bring up that my team is undercompensated and seeing that we also face clients day in and out, salaries must be aligned to the right standards. I feel uncomfortable writing about it but I hope to find time to bring it up. My conscience is going back and forth on the consequences of this action. How my boss and his boss will react to it will of course define how I see This company and if there is a future here.

In other circumstances, I also feel like escaping again. My parents bringing up when will I get married because I need somebody. How could they do this, how could they put me in a box and define me as somebody who is incomplete? I am not going to depend my life and wait for my future to happen with somebody. They make me feel that marriage is the end goal but I see married couples fight all the time. It doesn't make sense.