What do I want to do next?

  

This is a year where I will learn to love myself, open myself to new experiences, new friends, new scene. I will know how to handle stress better and sleep better. I will save, save, save and not put myself out of financial independence.

This is a year to improve the team and provide concrete solutions and gain our client's trust again.

Toxic relationships

I did several bad things this year and as much as I have a strong attachment to these things, I feel I am given the chance to end things and turn my life around before a new year rolls over.

Fitness check

We haven't talked in a while. The last time we did, well, I am too busy and you were too aggressively eager to hangout. 

I hope we could find a better way around this but I always end up thinking that not talking to you is the best healthy choice.

Season to speak

Finding time to nurture relationships. Family always come first.

Still I fail

You have me around your fingers. Each time you get your way, you act like a dick.

Planning tomorrow

I think, I feel, I know I am done with you.

I am going to love myself more, I am not gonna allow you to fuck my soul again.

Wannabe

Some things should never grow old.

Death with Dignity

I realized that I haven't been reading much on the world this year and now that I chose this Friday night to do so had made me dwell of how much I hate myself. I read this article about death with dignity. I am in awe of people who are brave enough to choose death rather than death choosing them. For prophets and deeply religious people who chose death to fight for faith - for people who chose suicide rather than be mentally, emotionally, and physically imprisoned has somehow made me feel how much of a coward I am.

I don't have passion to pick death over life. I still have my anxiety of what will happen to me when I die. I cry when I hear people die.

In this day and age, passions are rooted over projecting what the self can do (selfies, food for the day, clothes for the day, drinks for the day) which is not necessarily something to hate but I could personally say that it also conjuncts with having more expression to pick on how other people express themselves.

I feel that I live in a mental war - where people need to project themselves or have a better or smart opinion on stuff. This year I exerted so much effort in raising my opinion at work so people would understand what we do and why we are doing with it - my loyalty to the role I play. Is this the right thing to fight for?

Unfortunately I keep forgetting the things that matter in life.

Nude

Dave Eggers musings

4 Minute Warning

I feel sick. Everybody has been sick last week. My world feels smaller and smaller. The year is coming to a close anyway.

Our high school reunion is coming up, it has been 10 years already. My stomach's tied up in knots just thinking of meeting old friends again and the usual exchanges of where are we now is making me feel nauseous. 

Still trying to find myself.

Come around

Today is my birthday. I chose to have a quiet and calm birthday. I felt like hibernating instead of partying. I didn't even plan what I should wear compared to my past birthdays where I usually try to find that one piece to wear to treat myself. Today I didn't do anything fancy but I sure felt rich and lucky to have friends and family who are more excited of my future. My true friends know I yearn to be free out there and play freely in the universe. Find my purpose. But how why when what are still big roadblocks.

My dad wants me to have more chances for travel and It feels sweet that he still looks out for me. I hope we will have more times to eat out.

My true friends wished for my heart's desires and I've learned this year how much I need to give and take love rightfully. It sucky that I learned it in a very bad way and even if this meant that I hd to be a good girl, clean my conscience, be less angry and hopefully find my inner peace and not burn bridges with people.

I guess it would take time. :) hopefully I still have time

Normandie

I took a hard step back and thought of what you mean to me. Over the weekend I woke up with migraines, still hateful, still feeling remorse, still envious of you meeting new people  and brewing coffee with them which is originally our thing, while I am busy trying to save my team from its own destruction.

Even if the good things weigh more than the super bad ones, I cannot help but look at the real picture. And remembered the reason why I looked for somebody else. I can never demand for your time because its someone else's time.

We will never be what our feelings will be. Real or not, in the end, I am here and you are there. A relationship built out of chaos will always end up in chaos. Though I could never guarantee that the good ones end up good, each ending has to end because it is no longer serving you. 

I hope to keep my faith, courage, and strength to be the better person here. Help me be one, please make things easy for me.

Hey Jude

Books are my friends. They help me think big when I feel small. 

Shadow boxes accountants

I'll get out of bed.

Look forward to tomorrow

How it feels so strange to have grown and changed now its not the same.

Hello sunshine, come into my life

Close the door on things that don't serve you. The red flags are already crawling up like vines and putting a blind eye to the warning calls is not the best choice to make. Let go before it gets harder to let go.

Daily mantra: Ben Folds - There's always someone out there cooler than you

Good riddance

Holiday nap. Holiday rap. Holiday hits. Holiday wits.

I wanna stay inside your head. I wanna drop my thoughts and dump it all on you.

fiction

2014 is proving to be one helluva year. Good days and bad days trickle down like an intense shower storm. I could hardly slip under the covers, sleep like a baby and pretend I don't hear anything. This year has certainly gone to great depths just to test my wits and humor. If there is meaning in all these shitty things, I hope it means I won't have to go through  it again.

I've put myself into terrible situations and even if I know I wasn't treated right, I stayed on and hid my vulnerability. I probably liked this person far more than I had expected myself to. He is the only person who makes me laugh and cry hard and I am so sick of this endless run of emotions. How silly of me to be crying over you. How silly of me to hang on. How silly of me to give you my attention. You can't use me anymore. Even if you say you are not using me, I don't know what is real anymore. 

Rico Blanco - Antukin

ako pa ang naloko ngayon. Kudos! Goodbye

I am officially free, no matter what

I told myself that things would be easier if I stopped putting myself into messed up situations. Things ended with the two assholes and now, I don't know what to do. I don't know where to be.

I have to be firm. I have to be firm. 

Last Friday I said some very mean things to the guy who always understands me. Even if he is doing it to get into my pants he was very patient with me all week. Making sure I am okay, saying goodbye even if I didnt want to talk. Even if I wanted to slice his head off. 

I am sorry for the way I said these things. It's just too much. I didnt say it nicely.. I am walking away but you wanted me to think it over the weekend... What is there to think of? I know this is where I am.. Question is, what am I to you exactly? You don't have to manipulate me in believing that these things work. One of us will get hurt in the end. You're stuck there. You will marry her. It's no big deal. I dont need to be attached to this set-up. I need to be the one and only party to a guy I like. No other girl is involved. I cannot do that if you always ask me where I am going and who I am going to be with each night. Or if I like somebody else. But I cannot demand you anything because you live with her. 

I feel like I am the one cheating. I feel like I am not allowed to live like how things should be. Or allowed to meet someone else. I will always be loyal, i don't juggle guys, I will never do that. 

So this has got to stop. It's not healthy anymore. Even if it will take me years to get somebody to like me, its okay. I want to start it right. It maybe boring and less adventurous but it's more long-term.

toxic city

I have been told that I am a sponge, probably a sponge of other people's secrets, but I cannot keep my own secrets to myself. My life has always been an open book, I love kiss and tell because I am happy with what I feel, and most of my friends know a lot of things to put me in blackmail.

Putting myself out there is making myself transparent to that marathon of emotions I keep running on even if I consider myself highly insensitive to expressing my own feelings. To cut the long story short, I hate my own guts.

Things are getting complicated right now and I want to end the game. Be over and done with. These toxic relationships are dragging me down. I haven't been thinking straight lately.

I have been thinking of you ever since I came back from Hongkong. Thoughts of how this started and however version I'd like it to be it just doesn't make sense. Did you really want to start like this when we first met in Fete? For the time that passed, did it change you? I feel bad that you're doing this to me. Lying to her with me, and I know eventually you'll lie to me with somebody else. These things just don't make sense to me.

Because I wanted things to be right. I want you to see me for me. Unfortunately, the odds are never in my favor.

What is love anyway

5 and 3 - numbers playing perfectly on my head. We fucked five times on the first night, three times on the last night. The person who loses is the person thinking too much about this. Maybe it is not much of a game to play. Risks were involved on both sides of the coin. I was told we have freedom to decide but our choices are ruled by emotions. So we always end up choosing the pain we can take and endure.

If I walk away from all this how long will it take me to turn around and run back? People never have a problem walking away and not look back. I have never been one of them. Who's to say change is soft enough to embrace? I'm weak enough to miss those who are never coming back. They always occupy my thoughts. 

I could only count that our stars align someday. And that our own selves would always be in good spirits when we meet again.

eclipses

                                          

I came back from Hongkong with my whole life falling into pieces and I've been trying to save it all throughout this week. In work I was trying to get to transfer a wire payment for my client but it got blocked under US authorities because they say my name is allegedly connected to a threatening business. then they are getting a new manager aside from me and even if they say its a great thing, I can't find myself to accept that things are changing fast. They say it doesn't have anything to do with me but it feels that they are taking away my freedom, the freedom to build Manila out of something and put it in a map.

Would things be different? I don't know what I could have done because even if I did everything to change my boss and boss' boss's minds, they are still pushing the idea.

and after work I don't have anything else. I would be given time which I don't really need. I am already a walking disaster, prone to make my life worse than it already is. 

my lovelife is going dowmhill, being caught in all these complicated hook-ups and getting attached to assholes. Asshole #1 - has a kid and live in gf asshole #2 - is 10 years older than I am and he plainly asked if I could sleep for the night.

Seems that I've come up with the perfect gameplan for failure.

Don't look back

I like you but I know it will never work out.

It never ever works out. I don't even know why I am thinking about it. There's nothing to think about. There's nothing to talk about. Tomorrow we are back to our own realities.

Wish you'd call me.

We'll be the best of friends

This week has been a little too much to handle. I hope we could make it work

a house of many rooms and all the secrets deep entombed within you

I didn't plan on falling in love with you. You are not my type. We don't have the same taste in music. We don't have the same taste in anything but I have gotten to know you because we simply coexist in the office. 

You have no idea the torture I have put myself into. Having to save you who didn't want to be saved but I ended up saving anyway because of my own selfish reasons--I still wanted us to hang out. So please stop bringing up how our future would be like. stop saying I'll be your bride how could you speak so casually about it.

we both know where I stand. I would never ever be your number one and only one. I'd never see what your room looks like. I'd never be part of anything in your life because this is where I am, this is where you placed me, and this is where I have to be. in between your woes and happiness. 

I know there is something more to this. More to getting stuck into this downward frenzy. You don't have to kill me with these white lies. Stop bothering me.Stop  messing with my head. Please.

I would say I'm sorry if I thought that it would change your mind.

Dear Lord, it's the end of the world. I think I'm in love.

nothing sort of a jubilee

Will I ever get my big break and find out answers? I have been wondering all this time what truly matters and what is it I am fighting for.

I hope it won't be too late by then.

Chillin out

It has been a month since I have decided to move out and stay in a room near my office in Makati. The place is a studio and our beds are lined up immediately upon opening the door. My roommates are nice and accommodating. They know how to sing and play guitar.

I have been wishing for my own peace of mind and the solitude I have been craving for years is here on weekends when everybody is out and I could cancel the noise outside and sleep. 

I do want to rest. I do want energy to be free. I do want to figure out what it is that truly makes me happy. 

I miss my family dearly. I go home to see them two days each week.

Lets see how long I can manage.

I dont want you

Sincerely dont want you stop teasing i dont want get stuck don't want to get attached

I want you bad bad bad bad bad

http://youtu.be/_g19fCJotPc

But you're off limits

Think you can wait

The National live in Manila was super intense and amazing. I never saw this coming. I never expected that I would be able to watch this band I stumbled into back in 2008, six years ago. Back then I just lost my job my boyfriend cheated on me and their dark sad music kept me in solitude and less suicidal. I can't explain why. God bless all great musicians who share their passion and gift to the world. So much has changed. There's so much music playing. I think one of the things I will miss when I die is hearing all this great music. Is there music in heaven??

Gotta hit the endzone

No more high and dry. Its wearing me out. I can't get caught in this mess you're slowly making. I can already see how bad it looks far ahead. Stop with these words and these gestures and these booty calls. I cannot escape into your fantasy.  Especially if I know it is never going to be real. I have to use my head this time. Give me back my peace of mind. Leave me out. I'm not one of your girls, don't make me part of that list of girls you're screwing with. I'm sorry, I've always been interested but not like this. Too much is at stake here.

I hope stepping aside will be best for us. I always step aside anyway.

sparkplug

Its the 11th day of 2014 and I already feel like crap. I am exhausted, physically and mentally. I don't want to deal with my repressed emotions about the situation I am in. I hate to lash out my anger on everybody and I tend to be critical of everything. Maybe I'm just worrying too much.

I want to be hopeful this year but I feel dry. I usually look forward to new beginnings and fresh starts but probably the reason all this is blowing me over is that chapters aren't ending as peaceful as I'd like them to be.

I hope whatever decision lies ahead would make me become a better person and I hope I won't lose myself over shallow petty things.