Seriously, am I this bad?

My heart is at its low. Maybe we never got close. Maybe she liked them over me. I hate to sound like a jealous attention-seeker, but it's honest and factual when I say that I've had enough with my mom. You know I have lots of respect for her but clearly, I really don't know what she wants to do with me.

It all blew out of proportion when she found out that I'm going to Bangkok for the weekend. She told me I was overspending. In truth I was, but faith didn't have to go into the discussion/ her monologue. How could she judge me for not giving money to the church? If she only knew how much I had to go through in order to be sane. It's hard to fight the thoughts in my head.

I am already alone and I have no one else to share my pain. I don't want to bother people. I couldn't let opportunities pass. I couldn't see myself long-term when I'm not okay today. Back when I wanted to move out, she wouldn't let me. Now that I am using money over trips/culture/hobbies/experiences (living like a gypsy) she has no sympathy to make me stay. 

We could do this fight often, and I'd still respect her by telling me where I am, but I hope she's not expecting me to love her like I used to. 

Because I don't. Not anymore.