NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION FOR 2013: GET MORE SLEEP

I am saving my last precious hours of vacation before going back to the daily grind.

I am really enjoying my David Byrne & Fatboy Slim playlist on Imelda Marcos, procrastinating on my overdue Russian assignment/Powerpoint. 

Onto Even Cowgirls Get the Blues
 "I just said 'fantasy' and 'struggle' in the same sentence, and on one level, at least, I guess that's what it's about. That's what it's about for cowgirls, and maybe everybody else. A lot of life boils down to the question of whether a person is going to be able to realize his fantasies, or else end up surviving only through compromises he can't face up to. The way I figure it, Heaven and Hell are right here on Earth. Heaven is living in your hopes and Hell is living in your fears. It's up to each individual which one he chooses." 

Jelly paused. 

"I told that to the Chink once and he said, 'Every fear is part hope and every hope is part fear--quit dividing things up and taking sides.' Well, that's the Chink for you. What do you think?" 

"I'd like to hear more," said Sissy. She was feeling a certain kinship with this duded-up bundle of wild muscle and baby fat. "Can you be more specific?" 

"Specific. Okay. I'm talking about our fantasies. You know the difference between fantasy and reality, don't you? Fantasy is when you wake up at four o'clock on Christmas morning and you're so crazy excited you can't possibly go back to sleep. But when you go downstairs and look under the tree--podner, that's reality."

Last day of 2012

Perfect sentiment for this year-end. A toast for all things I succeeded and failed in trying. It surely has been a very busy year. 

Trips: Bangkok, Singapore, Baler, Bolinao, Batangas, Cebu, Bali

Highlights: Laneway Festival, Reverse Bungy, Walking without slippers, Traveling alone. Julie's visit (Kaberos, Rue, Relik, Skye), Vincent Moon coming to Manila, Big Bad Wolf, Team lunchouts, 70s bistro, Maginhawa St trip, Early Sunday mornings at Legaspi Market, NEW HAIRCUT, High times with bing and lari, Yellowcab's solo bacon, mango and egg pizza, bulletin board making in the office, crayola art, underwater hockey, painting, Russian class, Driving, Somerset birthday party, hospital with Mama and Teptep

Best Thoughts of 2012: Impressions by Salvador Dali, Wonderfalls, The Artist (french film), Isabel Allende, Eux Autres, Yu Aoi movies

Now I need rest. I need sleep.

My mistletoe

What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object? 

Moment of truth

Yesterday I gave away my insurance money to a stranger. 6,000 pesos. A big sum for a spender like me. Well, she isn't a complete stranger. She is the secretary of the agent collecting money for my quarterly insurance.

When she went to collect it, she asked if she could borrow the money first and pay me on January 10. She explained that she needed it for her sister's or aunt's CT scan. I couldn't remember for whom it was. She was hoping to get the money and not inform her boss (my insurance agent) about it until she could pay me back on said date.

I don't know if it is true. She looked like she was really desperate to ask for this arrangement. I did agree partly because I know how it feels not to have money and not know where to get it. Asking for a stranger like me could be less shameful rather than having to ask it from someone she knows. At the same time, I didn't want her to think like I could be manipulated. If it was a scam, then kudos to her.

I saw her crying when I came back to give her ID. And I still cannot move past her crying.

Taxis have no free will.

"And if you ever get lonely, just go down to the record store and visit all your friends."

Monologue

12/14/2012

Today is the day I wanted to get out of noise - TV, people, shallow things, bullshit, pessimism, et al. but now that the day ended, I wished I have a bestfriend to talk to.

Storm never ends

I'm tired. 

I'm angry. 

I feel really bad.

I couldn't feel optimistic.

There's just no room to cry.

Creative pursuits

I thought I was done painting when I saw our fruit basket in front of me. Got out my paints and practiced. 

Rest

Meeting new people could be fun. You listen to their stories and hear the things they are fighting for. What is it I'm fighting for?

Peace of mind?

Still selfish.

great value

Simple things become very attractive when I am secretly feeling the blues.

new

Last Tuesday, I attended my first painting class. Yesterday, I practiced on my washes.

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Morphine

10/24/2012 1:30 AM

I am waiting for my flight going home but it feels more like I am on this death sentence waiting for my turn.

All sorts of thoughts run through my head at 1:30 am and what gets me stuck is thinking of you. It is easy to imagine happy thoughts when I miss you deeply and I cling to this comfort like having my favorite breakfast anytime of the day. It always feels warm and toasty. I know it is a bit crazy seeing myself like this because we haven't seen each other for a long time. But I have to be strong and brave of whatever would happen in the future.

So I wait.

Patiently.

Until we both say hello.

25th

October has been very generous. I have been spoiled from all the wonderful gifts I received and keep receiving (I received a gift from the Calubaquibs today and it's already end of the month), as well as being given the time to actually enjoy and celebrate life.

It was really nice and sweet that my friends cooked (Kar got her hands dirty on a salad, noodles, roasted porkloin, chicken pastel), baked (Clara put her magic on revel bars, white macadamia and an ALMOND chocolate cake :D, ate dinner in my current favorite restaurants (mr jones, nolita, the cake club), and got drunk with me. In all modesty, I am thankful that my support system is still intact and that I am slowly, slowly, bringing back myself in control of my life. well not too much in charge because I am open to unexpected circumstances. Lovely, lovely people.

I am also meeting new people (underwater buddies: Kim and Aja), new hobbies, and new experiences (like having your money eaten by an atm machine days before you're about to leave abroad, or staying in a hospital during your birthday week). I realize that maybe, if I have given myself more chances to life and lose fear of almost everything, things would go much smoother. Even if you don't really know what will happen.

While I still miss people in those strange dreams and silences, I am focusing more on loving myself and looking at the grand scheme of things.

September 18's secret spot

Today started out weird.

In fact, I didn't feel like going to work. there were a lot of personal things I want to make time for. One by one, I am slowly giving time for each thing on my to do list. It's funny because considering that I come from South, I should never be feel pressured by time. But I always feel I am running out of it. I get uptight waiting for someone, someone waiting on me, not being on time.

So I made an effort getting a student permit, without my parents knowing yet. I finished early enough to get to makati and walk. Usually the heat in Manila makes it more uneasy to walk.

Then I made my way to LRI design building which was my favorite part of the day because I really enjoyed walking through design shops and art galleries. My lunch was terrific but I couldn't stay longer. Hopefully God will give more chances to stay in my secret spot.

Ending this peaceful day with Hannah+Gabi.

so pull yourself together

In spite of last night's horrifying rain flooding streets, I went home with a sense of calmness and solitude. Not to mention, this was after I passed out in a bathroom after a grill night with friends. I realized that I am having less of my anxiety attacks, more of unusual physical injuries. (Stiff muscles and two fat wounds near my ankles). My days have been peaceful despite the stress in the office because I am learning to purge the noise. 

Even if I still don't have something concrete, what hasn't failed me these days is feeding my soul with wisdom. Books, life stories, art. 

There's so much beauty in these.

Keeping myself busy

Getting myself amused over oil paint, texture, and dirtiness after three weeks of helping out with the team's bulletin board. Nobody knows if mine is good enough to be called ART. 

It doesn't matter. All I want is to keep surprising myself. 

"When I was young I was alone a lot, and art was a place I could escape to. I didn't really know at the time I was escaping but I knew that I enjoyed doing it, and it seemed to make time disappear.
...The more I think about my early experiences that led me to become an artist, the more I think it all has to do with freedom, really. The freedom of not being held back. The freedom of being able to jump into the void and not get hurt. The freedom of being able to enter a place that didn't exist until you stood in front of it. The only catch is that you have to make that place for yourself." - Julian Schnabel

She smiled. She knew she was dying.

"And who-in this damned universe-who can tell me why I should live for anything but for that which I want? Who can answer that in human sounds that speak for human reason?"

Finishing Ayn Rand's We the Living felt morally revolutionary. Its' liberal context brought the questions I was afraid to ask myself. I am not sure how much of the history in it is true but even if Rand completed this in 1930s, the questions raised should still be applicable today. 

What struck me is the detachment everyone has today living on pretentious things. It is easy to fall on empty material things simply because the age we are living in don't really depend much on life or death. We keep on possessing things and people when we do know that eventually we would leave them behind one day. We are clueless about the things that really matter. We are living in a world of excess and greed. Unfortunately. We are not deprived of anything at all. Only deprived with how long it will take us to get what we want. Is everything simply for vanity? Who will remember us? We would all be forgotten in the end.

I empathize with Kira's passion to live. Here was a girl who simply fought for the will to live, fought for the person she loves. She had something to fight for.

"A moment or an eternity-- did it matter? Life, undefeated, existed and could exist."

And where have I been living in? 

"You loved a woman and she threw your love in your face?"

'We feed the hand that bites us'

I am reading the first few pages of Tom Hodgkinson's How to be Idle, talking about how waking up with an alarm is the cruelest thing in the world. Here I am beside my little sister who is in one of her five-minute power naps that really turn out to be a one hour of snorefest.  

I am totally jealous of my sister in complete slumber because I haven't fully recovered from my battle with insomnia. It has been over a year now and I am past tired. I decided not to confront the enemy and instead learned to live with it. I don't blame my lack of sleep for ruining the course of the day. I go to that long stretch of tossing and turning and wait for myself to fall asleep.

The trouble is my mind is completely fucking me with all the highs & lows and I am resorting to inaction about things I still have to do.

I want to get out of this doom-oriented mess.

Seriously.

Recognizing mortality

I saw a cat lying dead in front of our house when I got home today. With all the maynilad site workers on their nightshifts, no one noticed that this poor cat laid silently on the ground.


What bothered me is realizing I had never fully educated myself with burial rituals, and my ignorance has triggered me to pass the burden of burying the cat or do something about it instead of allowing the cat to lie there, to our housemaid.


Its head got dislocated in all the wrong angles.


I am not the superhero I dreamed to be. Caring about saving the world one day at a time even on a shitty day. Just an old soul, who couldn't end the day without giving the cat justice to a proper death.

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Currently

Getting by

Last night, on my way home, I saw the most interesting thing. A line of drivers parking on the side of the street to wash their tricycles from water that has been running endlessly at one of the Maynilad make-shift sites. Maynilad has been putting in pipes so that more houses could get cleaner water but a pipe must have cracked open or something. Although my head was already floating from the pint of draft beer I had, it struck me to find how much there is we are not paying attention to. Water is certainly hard to find these days. Yet, I find myself reckless in my daily water consumption. 


Today I woke up to horrible news. One of my good friends called me up and she told me that they just found out her 14-year old sister has an open heart. I am lost for words because her sister is such the sweetest thing and I am seeing her grow up into such a fine young lady. My friend is crushed by this piece of news and she can't bear another person leaving her life. Her dad just recently died. She went home to cry and I don't know what to say that would make things okay. I don't want to go into crap about how things will be but we just have to be strong to her. I have to push her to be strong too. I hope that the operation would be successful. We need prayers.    

Hail the feminist

“We should write as we dream; we should even try and write, we should all do it for ourselves, it’s very healthy, because it’s the only place where we never lie. At night we don’t lie. Now if we think that our whole lives are built on lying-they are strange buildings-we should try and write as our dreams teach us; shamelessly, fearlessly, and by facing what is inside very human being-sheer violence, disgust, terror, shit, invention, poetry. In our dreams we are criminals; we kill, and we kill with a lot of enjoyment. But we are also the happiest people on earth; we make love as we never make love in life.” 
― Hélène Cixous

Don't be afraid, just have faith

I don't want to sound preachy but I did get the title at yesterday's homily. I attended mass alone after a day's work. Sometimes, I just need somebody else's words breathing into my disturbances. I am getting tired of motivating my self without knowing which direction I'm going to. I've been looking at the rearview mirror all this time, afraid of what lies ahead or that I won't see anything at all. Like what Herman Melville wrote in Typee:

Six months at sea! Yes, reader, as I live, six months out of sight of land; cruising after the sperm-whale beneath the scorching sun of the Line, and tossed on the billows of the wide-rolling Pacific--the sky above, the sea around, and nothing else! Weeks and weeks ago our fresh provisions were all exhausted. There is not a sweet potato left; not a single yam. Those glorious bunches of bananas, which once decorated our stern and quarter-deck, have, alas, disappeared! and the delicious oranges which hung suspended from our tops and stays--they, too, are gone! Yes, they are all departed, and there is nothing left us but salt-horse and sea-biscuit.

Seriously. Talk about despair and anxiety. How can you tell that things will get better? I used to think I was made out of steel but not a tiny portion of my soul could have endured last year's famous disaster. 


Barely surviving, my friends.


It's been a year, and I'm still messed up.

Day 2 of my hair being short

I'm still not used to this new look but day 1 seemed to be getting shocking rave reviews. I decided to go straight edge with my hair because of a dozen reasons. One being that I want to let go of the stress I've been having and ugly situations I cannot control. Clearly, the direction where I am going is nowhere close to what I want. I'm getting frustrated day by day.

It took a truckload of willpower to put myself in that salon chair and watch that thing on your head get stuck on the plastic salon cape before they finally fall to the floor and get broomed to the trashbin. It's not that I was forcing myself but I was never adventurous with hair.

Terrifying but at the same time liberating.

I fell in love with the sound of an electric razor the minute it started showing off. Maybe it does takes some guts to think out of box or actually put myself out of that personality I have grown to.

Considering that the shortest cut I've had is similar to madeline's, as Mega puts it. It felt like detaching myself from people's perception of me and convince them that this new hair has been like this all along. They suddenly had no clue of how I looked yesterday.

Now I won't even bother if they liked it or not.

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It's not you, it's me

Ladies and gentleman, the problem society has today that is probably overlooked, is information overload.


Coming from someone who loves to study and learn, the trouble is not lack thereof of knowledge, but the brain's ability in actually taking in loads of information at a given time. The age where I am now has a vast amount of resource that's immediately accessible once a person know how to use the internet. There has been a great improvement for social media platforms to serve as educational sites for the average joes. YouTube, for instance, has tons of how-to videos and online courses that are in most occasions, free.


Having realized this, the problem is actually me. My brain's ability to stay focused on one topic for an hour or for a day. I could start the day reading on bed and breakfasts places, list of workshops, daily musings of bloggers, and end up with an online lecture series on the Art of Living. It's not that I am a big fan of hoarding but the sentiment I go with is that I do not want to miss out on something I might find interesting.


This open-mindedness has somehow given my imagination the license to run free and escape my reality (i.e. being stuck in the house) 

The death of Maurice Sendak

Spike Jonze: Do you have any advice for young people?


Maurice Sendak: Quit this life as soon as possible. Get out, get out!


My brain just flew out. I watched a documentary on Maurice Sendak and he was surprisingly blunt. He woke up all my sleeping bones that I didn't knew existed. Here was a gay guy who knew what he wanted to do and he wanted to do more, only there is no time. And here I am, unable to figure out what I wanted to do and I'm not sitting down and taking as much time to really think about it. 


He is odd. Very odd. But I could easily relate to the isolation he puts himself in when he talks about his family and where he is now (he's missing a lot of people). 


"I am not earth shatteringly important." 


"We will all die. We will just become a memory."

Pressure drops to zero, or that's what I thought

"I'm not comparing myself to anyone." 


That's what I told my mother on my way home as we were discussing my future plans (i.e. a postgrad degree) and where I am with my life goals. It's always one of the things my mom likes to bring up each time I ride with her after work. The reason it has been brought up again is that my younger sister is officially starting her masters this month, under a fully paid scholarship at UP. 


It's not that I am slacking off, really. The main roadblock is that I haven't decided how to get to where I want to be five years from now or 10 years from now. 


The idea of being given a scholarship or a grant brings me a lot of endorphins but if it would be an MBA or MPP, I am not sure if this actually the kind of life I want to pursue. Going up the corporate ladder, being a domesticated-sitting addict, dealing with office politics daily, and trying to be one step ahead of everyone else. I don't think I want to get trapped in this kind of stress. 


Sometimes my mind is entirely divided into pursuing this business-minded path or this vocational path. My concern with this vocational path is that I am not entirely sure if I have the guts to completely alter my lifestyle and be broke all the time. This kind of lifestyle has already helped me escape the cages in life. I am able to travel when I want to, do things I would like to try, get out when my friends call me, and be in a different place altogether even if I am alone.

Everyday I think of being out there. Constantly in movement. Riding the great railway bazaar. Chancing upon hole-in-the-walls and meeting new people. But I don't have a clue where to start. Striking up a conversation is an entirely different roadblock. 


Vocational options:
If I take up journalism, it's too fast-paced to think and write, express with words and photos.
If I take up design or anything that seems utterly pretentious, I feel like I'd be going against my own beliefs on living with a more socially relevant purpose.
If I take up arts management, I would be overwhelmed with the excesses of life.


Got ideas for me?

Daily dose of hormones II

Kinfolk Dinner from FreePeople on Vimeo.

Stumbled upon a good poem today:


I want to fall in love in the city.
after sunsets. bar talk.
a spare key to his place to slip in after work.
to make dinner in his tiny kitchen.
my little bag of make up and toothpaste on your sink.

We'd take the subway during rush hour just to puzzle piece ourselves together.
We'd share every park like our backyard.

I'd embarrass you with tourist pictures of us.
peeling oranges with my fingers to feed you on street corners.
We’d stay outside just to watch people passing by.
I'd hold onto your hand anytime i want.
I'd warn you when we meet. I am a selfish lover.
I don't mean it the way you take it.
I mean I am selfish in expressing my romance.
I love quickly. with any number of things.
I laugh too loud. too often.
I share too much. too soon.
I want you here. then I don't.
I want to fall in love with you while crossing the street.
during the midnight movie.
when I stumble on uneven pavement.
weaving in and out of tourists in a hurry and bumping against you.
I want to fall in love with you as I stare at the tall tall buildings and fall in love with this city.


Via http://thatkindofwoman.tumblr.com/post/6405948078/i-want-to-fall-in-love-in-the-city-after-sunsets

Running short on morphine

Adrienne Rich: "I regret all the women I have not slept with or comforted, who pulled themselves away from me for lack of something I had not the courage to fight for, for us, our life, our planet, our city, our meat and potatoes, our love."

Fighting battles alone

It's been a month now since I was given this new role in my team and everyday has been challenging. Everyday I am being made fun of because I got the job at this 'young' age and they are associating every tiny detail I do with my new role.

Sucks  bigtime.

I realized that now I have fewer friends. All the while I thought this new role would bring me redemption or at least prove that I am doing things right. I hope they give me 2-3 years before they kick me out. I just want to fix this team, make sure it's up and running, and commit them for the long haul.

They have to let me do my job, right?

Where do I gear up?

Indecent obsession

Whenever I look you up, there's always that feeling we are doing the same things but in different places. Like we're both reading Adrienne Rich over our morning coffee, or late at night on 99 bottles of beer, with a somber Bill Callahan in the background.

It's cosmic, I tell you.

I don't understand why we are not friends. The forces of the universe will never find time for you and I to meet.

What I talk about when I talk about running

I play your stories and my thoughts keep chasing you. Lapsing through the shadows of time. And inside my head its an endless marathon. I'm tired but I can't stop myself. Running back then turning myself around to assure that I am still moving forward.


Tragedy falls on the fool who gets left behind.


The farther I move away from the past the anxiety becomes bigger. I never liked burning bridges, but it seems it's what I do best. I never had any intention of burning them. I never had any intention of burning you. But it didn't seem like you are bothered that we haven't talked in a year.


Wish we could start talking again. But I am leaving you in peace. Wherever you maybe I am happy that you're able to live as you wish.

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You can't keep staring out the window

Wisdom reigns like water from heaven to below.

Crush my earth, seeds sow, garden start to grow.

You know you've got to rise, though you like to flow.

You can't keep staring out the window.

Earth, water, wind, fire we stay low while getting higher.

Spark igniter, fighting tired

Stay wired, enlighten loads.

Stay alive, weep wail chant, cry, let out a sigh

Energized, give out my last dime, life shouldn't pass me by.

Rise, to the occasion.

Keep these hearts all blazin.

Build your life on a river of wax.

There's a striking image in my head of a woman drinking water running in the canal. I saw her from afar on my way home several nights ago. And I just watched her. She's there, I am here: sitting on a tricycle, moving past her, farther and farther away.


How could those lips touch the dirty murky water? How could those lips be so thirsty that it had no other choice but to drink from the canal? She was even poised enough to use a broken plastic cup in scooping water.


Looking back I should have gone down the trike and bought water from a convenience store.


Maybe I don't have the courage to act on impulse.

And i dont know if doing it just serves for self satisfaction.

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Daily dose of hormones

If only I could work for this girl, but I think it would be too fun and vain.




There are no reruns to life.




I couldn't find this song on mp3.

Everyday is Like Sunday

05.13.2012

Title is a tribute to Morrissey because today is his concert here in Manila and I couldn't help but feel a bit bummed that I won't get to watch it. (Tickets are expensive, starting at 3k). 

As his song goes, everyday is like sunday, share some greased tea with me. I like waking up early when it's sunday, while the streets are still quiet, and there's time on my hands to do nothing. Day of rest before the noise of a busy week comes in. Plus nobody is demanding anything from me. It's meant to be serene and stress-free. 

Teptep, my sister, agreed to come share this Sunday with me. We went around Legazpi market to get some rare food finds (Ilocos empanada, Indonesian food, buko juice) and buy some sweet nothings for moms we know. Stopped by Romulo cafe for dessert and mall for my sister's make-up shopping. 

Pure honey at Legazpi Market

Pinoy Nachos at Romulo cafe

Ordered mocktails to quench the summer heat

Dome cake that's too much for both of us

Golden egg

First part of Salvador Dali's documentary: Impressions of Upper Mongolia

This is how it started

During one of my tranquil summers.

Tonight I feel half asleep 

In some sort of sweet reverie,

Still very uncommon though, because my brain seems to be

Completely submerged in a kind of half-sickening melancholy.

I can't tell if it's the moonlight or the dawn,

but in my mind everything is blurred

and an irresistible laziness pushes me up slowly

towards my studio.

I think I'll be going to sleep very early.

Then suddenly at the door's entrance,

I see my everyday objects,

and all of a sudden I see a little postcard,

one of my adolescent obsessions. 

Why not find something in there demonic;

if I could manage to transform it,

so that this dying moonlight

could become one of my violent images

my paranoid brain could ever provoke.

Where I live, the bells

are always a bad omen.

I decide to set

the postcard, enlarged, at the far end of a chapel,

it will be some sort of unusual exorcisme.

Watch the magic here: 

Salute the sun and start the day

It's that perfect piece of advice that sets your positive vibes in motion. Saw it in an online campaign. 


Recent beach trips with different crowds. Baler, Batangas, Bolinao. All wonderful and interesting.

Rude awakening

04/11/2012

There's this piece of news that has been keeping me up all night. A woman in her mid-50s dies after jumping from three stories. 


Information tells us that she was holding a kid before it moved away from her. Right now my head is spinning with all these conspiracy theories and I can't help but wonder what could be going on inside that woman's head.


Was this planned or impulsive? Was she trying to run away and forcing the kid to go with her? Was she so depressed that she couldn't tell anyone about her problems?


I've thought of suicide on more than a dozen occasions but I can't bring myself to actually do it. I know its sad but it takes a lot of guts to actually be hateful of everything you are seeing hearing tasting doing. I'm a romantic. Sometimes I am just in love with life. Whenever I hear stories like this I am drawn to depression. How come no one talked to her and made it stop?


There is only one life to live. Maybe she wants to rest already. I don't know


What happens when we die? If only my lolo gerry could tell me.

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Hey Julie Tearjerky

02/21/2012

Got home after surprising julie at the airport. She is back. And I'm so happy to finally see her again. At the same time overwhelmed as if she came home to save me. Its been hard for me to tell her all the craziness that happened. Its a bit lonely without her around. She understands my bipolarness between ecstatic and reserved. There, there. She'd always say. We'll both cry, get angry, get drunk and stoned until we learn to let things be. It's good to see you. Everything strange feels like home again.

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Alien love

Hindi pwede sa bawat pagkikita natin, nahuhulog ang puso ko. Kelangan ba lagi akong kumapit sa bawat sandali kung alam ko naman sa bawat pagkikita yun na ang huli.


Sobra sobra na ang kakaisip ko sayo. Bakit ba tayo nagkikita edi naman tayo naguusap. Wala naman atang na iinlove sa ganun.


Tama na.

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Idealism in the time of cholera

Roadblocks are big showstoppers. Everything in your life seemed to be going just fine until that next step when you find yourself lost in your own rhythm. You have to deal with mishaps and shake yourself with the possibility that life will never ever be easy again.

I was actually doing well at the start of 2012 until three 360 degree turns in the reverse bungy had awaken my angry sleeping ghosts. Everything I thought, heard and read blurred my steady mindset. I've been successful at recovering and trying to see things with a more positive and healthy attitude. But now, this relapse has moved me into stranger dimensions. I don't know why I am depressed again. How did this happen?!

It's hard to think straight. I am missing people. I've been dreaming of people I don't normally talk to. I have been sleeping around 4 am for several consecutive days now and not having the urge to get up. I would never call myself an insomniac. I am craving for sweets which isn't very me. I have no appetite for knowledge. I have no idea how to move forward.

Could someone please tell me? 

I am dying to get out of here. 

I want to be okay. I want to feel okay. 

Thoughts from Laneway

There she was.

You were standing in front of me, and you don't know how loud my heart fluttered. It was intense. It felt like fate. Chance encounters are overwhelming. 


Maybe it was your voice, maybe it was the way you smiled. 
Maybe you noticed it too when you looked behind for a split second. 


But we don't know each other.


Still, I feel like I could talk to you about love the way Adrienne Rich felt it in her poem.

I was hoping there was more to this

I got myself a second tattoo. I don't feel too happy. Sometimes, you just want to connect with the artist and be on the same deep vibe there usually should be when doing tattoos. 


It may seem that a person couldn't explain it to people but it doesn't mean that it is meaningless. Tattoos have meanings, that I believe in. People carry it like a badge of honor. 


This tattoo artist was acting like such a hotshot with all his big awards displayed on his wall. His cockiness was enough for me to back off and not go through with the session.


But I stayed. =It was a lot of effort to go there anyway.


I value tattoo as art. 


He didn't take mine seriously.

My thoughts were so loud, I couldn't hear my mouth

I am slowly putting my thoughts in order. Long lists, online memos, colored checkboxes, empty notebooks. My mind is filled with so many things, it's getting exhausted. It has been hard to keep up and sorting all my thoughts in the right place. It's not that I am becoming busy but there is just a war of musts and ideas. Words are getting into a jumble. 


It's crazy, crazy, crazy.


I even lose my train of thought when I am speaking. (well partly marijuana's to be blamed for) But still, too many red flags have been raised. Sometimes I even conjure angry dialogues in my head when I'm travelling. Is it a lack of someone to talk to and spit this angry words out?


I have been like this for a year now.


I'm afraid, I'll be ending up with a bad habit. 

Talking to my own soul

I've been waiting for a wind, but not to will me into turbulence. I was hoping to be cast away to a place where my heart could live freely. where my mind is at peace. But the wind is strong. I've been trying to hold my place on the earth, but everybody is a bother.

They are disturbing my peace.

Seriously, am I this bad?

My heart is at its low. Maybe we never got close. Maybe she liked them over me. I hate to sound like a jealous attention-seeker, but it's honest and factual when I say that I've had enough with my mom. You know I have lots of respect for her but clearly, I really don't know what she wants to do with me.

It all blew out of proportion when she found out that I'm going to Bangkok for the weekend. She told me I was overspending. In truth I was, but faith didn't have to go into the discussion/ her monologue. How could she judge me for not giving money to the church? If she only knew how much I had to go through in order to be sane. It's hard to fight the thoughts in my head.

I am already alone and I have no one else to share my pain. I don't want to bother people. I couldn't let opportunities pass. I couldn't see myself long-term when I'm not okay today. Back when I wanted to move out, she wouldn't let me. Now that I am using money over trips/culture/hobbies/experiences (living like a gypsy) she has no sympathy to make me stay. 

We could do this fight often, and I'd still respect her by telling me where I am, but I hope she's not expecting me to love her like I used to. 

Because I don't. Not anymore.

 

Fact or fiction?

Today is the day i found out I'm dying. It was right before the sun showed up. It was probably the exact moment i was born. That roughly an hour has passed since this epiphany has come to ruin my day. I felt this lump in my throat. A lump i didnt notice before. Something you get from smoking. I knew i would be dying. I dont need to consult a doctor to distinguish this as mere paranoia. Is this bittersweet because im sitting here unable to sleep for fear of missing the hours and unable to wake up for fear that i would be using the hours. Its an inevitable madness.

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Inspira-day.

Today has been amazing, with the books and stories and ideas I've read. 
- I got lost in books I've been wanting to read. Currently reading - Ayn Rand, We the Living.
- Started carpet-making until mom realized that the hook is too big. No worries!
- I had a conversation with my sister about our future plans and we just went on daydreaming for around two hours.
- Looked up think tanks after reading Times and Fortune magazine. Institute for Policy Studies have interesting internships.
- Looked up Art/Design Schools - Nanyang Academy of Fine Arts 
- Meshing my visit to Singapore and my thirst for art/design. Hopefully I can find another place to go to and explore.
- Reading Blogs about Interior Design. I really wanted a course that focuses on light design. seriously. Could someone teach me.


To get me by, I read this on Bong Osorio's article:
*Be Better, not bitter.
*Find your story and tell it well. 
You have a number of good stories that bring out who you truly are. Discover those stories -- some of you may have been forgotten, ignored or overlooked. Unearth them and tell them well. You may seek help from someone who knows you well to provide dimensions and perspectives.
*Pursue success.
It is out there and you have to run after it. Sometimes you achieve it through sheer luck, which goes by fast and hits you. Travel the road less traveled. Get in luck's way.
*Keep moving and dancing.
Assume that each day there is more you can do to get enriched and harvest your gains. As one poet says, "Live the problems, and do not worry when they persist." The solution will surely be there to get you out of the rut. "Reach out and seize life," Thoreau invites. Dance the dance of life. Life is a marvel, lived in a flash. Savor it.

Manholes Opening Out of Nowhere

Life is a bit funny sometimes. Things could be going great for you and everyday is surely a breeze but a sudden turn of events could lure you into a fucking roadblock. If it's not you making the wrong turn, it's the road that's gonna fool you until you realize that the shitty crap you've been trying to avoid has found you.


This is the case of Lirio Salvador who was given a grant to study abroad but met an accident on December 30. He is still, as we speak, in intensive care unit. I've read the news on paper and read more on the Internet and feel all the sympathy for a talented artist whose bright future has ran out of power.


It's a terrible and worse situation to be in. It feels as though life has cheated you by someone else's recklessness. As much as I don't want to view this in the light of cause and effect, things like these are beyond control. 


There's probably so much going on his head right now, if there's no hatred felt for what has happened. I am greatly reminded of my favorite The Diving Bell and the Butterfly story and the huge effort needed for this tragedy to move forward to full recovery.


He made steel beautiful although I'm not even sure about the material. If I could become his apprentice and make art like this, I feel I'd be giving myself and the earth another chance to live again.


I send my prayers to this artist. Please get well soon.

You think your life is boring? Think again.

Martin Creed, on Work No.850: "Runners come and go, just as needed. They're all alone just as we are. In every moment that comes to an end, repetition is a comfort in a world that is chaotic and ever changing and crazy, so something that can be relied on as regular rhythm is comfort."

Wisdom for the underdog II

"However mean your life is, meet and live it; do not shun it and call it hard names. It is not bad as you are. It looks poorest when you are richest. The fault-finder will find faults even in paradise. Love your life, poor as it is. You may perhaps have pleasant, thrilling, glorious hours, even in a poorhouse. The setting sun is reflected from the windows of the almshouse as brightly as from the rich man's abode; the snow melts before its doors as early in the spring. Cultivate property like a garden herb, like sage. Do not trouble yourself much to get new things, whether clothes or friends. Turn the old, return to them. Things do not change; we change. Sell your clothes and keep your thoughts. Superfluous wealth can buy superfluities only. Money is not required to buy one necessary of the soul."

Wisdom for the underdog

Something I read on the newspaper a few months ago:

"Know what you want for yourself and have faith in it. If you don't, then take the time to rediscover the things about you. Don't be pressured by the illusion of time or be rattled by comparing yourself with others -- Life is not a race. Grab every opportunity that will make you learn and grow. Don't lose curiosity - this will open your doors to the unthinkable. Don't let fear take over your dreams. There is time for mistakes and risks, so better now than later. Hindsight is always 20/20. Now I know that you can do anything as long as you put your heart in it. Everything takes time, everything happens for a reason, everything changes. At 26, your problems may seem to be the be-all-and-end-all but they will heal. Problems are not permanent and no pain will stay for long. Above all, attitude is everything --it affects how you view matters and how you rise above difficulties. You always have a choice: whether to be pulled by the day's troubles or to be in the moment, enjoying the moment."

I am only 24 but this already speaks volumes to me, considering the current state I am in. This is the way to go.

Seriously. Our maid just got married.

I don't like being in weddings. I don't have a problem with the idea of being in love and getting married, but it's more of sitting in that entire event that I'm allergic to. It's easy to tell, I've never been to an intimate wedding. Most weddings I've been to end up boring me because I'm seated with people I don't get along with but I have to put with their endless small talk.

And there I was having that pre-conceived judgment on the 22nd of December, looking forward to finishing all levels of Unblock Me or nonstop Fruit Ninja, only to find out that I loved it.

Our househelper got married. I was asked to take pictures using my camera phone because none of them have one. It was sweet and simple. Everything they wore was borrowed and the most of the preparations were sponsored by friends.

Eden, cheerful and warm, couldn't help but cry during her speech because she wanted her parents to be there. Her only family at the wedding is the maid of honor, her sister. They wanted to get married but don't have the financial means to make it official. I think this has been one of the most humbling christmases I've had.